Steve Jobs...the iBastard

This post is coming to you from inside a hotel room within sight of the Fertility Center. We came down this morning for my last estrogen level check and to go over the egg retrieval procedure with the IVF nurse. The appointment went fine and the IVF nurse informed us that my estrogen level was at an almost perfect level...not too high or too low (nice to hear good news). We went over the procedure specifics...all the usual stuff...no eating after midnight, arrive an hour early (another plus to us coming down tonight), etc.). This is the first appointment that I didn't freak out internally at.

Now we have the rest of the day to kill. After trying to check into the hotel early (with no luck), I returned to the car to find out that Brandon had already used the GPS on his phone to find the nearest Apple Store. It's one of the few stores that needs no words on its marquee...just a symbol. You know, that beacon in the night like the bat symbol that calls all to all geeks in every land. Let me preface the rest of this story with the fact that I truly believe that Steve Jobs is the devil incarnate. Brandon has yet to get his grubby paws on the newest Apple sensation, the iPad. I mean, it's been released for 4 days already...I can't believe his restraint! So, of course, we must proceed to the nearest Apple Store...do not pass go, do not collect $200. The voices in my head are screaming, Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid, and I'm trying my best to contain my contempt for any product that starts with a little i.

Now let me explain that I do have an iPhone and I really do love it. BUT...I only have it because Brandon just HAD to have the newest version last year and cast his 1st generation phone to the side. And I actually bought him that 1st phone as a Christmas gift several years ago. I was so proud of myself for saving the $400 to buy it. So I was NOT going to let it just sit and go unused. But I digress...

We get to the Mall at Green Hills and immediately make a beeline for the Apple Store. When we rounded the corner, it was as if angels descended upon Brandon and he went toward the light with choirs singing in his ears. It was not that type of moment for me. The minute he got one in his hands, I knew I had lost him...

so I left to go shopping...there was nothing more I could do at that point. He found me about 30 minutes later and I could see his mental abacus overheating with calculations. It wouldn't surprise me if he had already posted For Sale ads for our cats and dog on Craigs List. It was so obvious that he was desperately trying to find the cash to fund his newest obsession. I'll spare you guys the dialog that ensued between us, but suffice it to say that it was not pretty.

Now if any of you know me very well, you already know how this ended up. So I won't keep everyone guessing. Of course Brandon got his precious iPad. There's very little that I deny this man...I'm such a sucker when it comes to him. However, to fund it, he's pretty much going to become an arms dealer and sell off a portion of his arsenal. I find it a little cannibalistic when I see one hobby get sacrificed for another.

So that brings us back to our hotel room. We've shopped, fought, and stuffed ourselves at the Cheesecake Factory. Now we're lounging in the room with 3 laptops, an iPad and free WiFi. Thanks Hampton Inn.

But I can at least say that I'm a little more relaxed about tomorrow.....for now. I'll let you know how it goes.

More to come...

Trigger Happy

No, I'm not referring to my current postal nature or my husband's extensive arsenal. The time has finally come for me to "trigger" ovulation.

So we went to Nashville this morning for our 3rd (and final) ultrasound prior to the all important event of egg retrieval. My estrogen level has climbed to an all time high of 2752 and I had quite a few follicles that seemed pretty big to me. I mean 20 x 21 seems like beach ball size to me...and feels like it too! I'm at an uncomfortable level with my ovaries right now and I've never been more acutely aware of those 2 little organs in my entire life.

While we were waiting on the ultrasound tech, I looked over at Brandon in the corner of the room. He was contently playing a game on his iPhone. But I noticed that the phone didn't have the Juice Pack attached (it's a cover that has an additional battery in it), so I asked where it was. He said that he intentionally left it off so he wouldn't have as much battery life on the phone. What he meant was, so he wouldn't be able to play the game as much....thus being more attentive to the appointment details. Typical boy logic and I guess I should appreciate his contribution to the process. Thanks for your support, honey. Your sacrifice is duly noted.

So all is well and tonight at exactly 9:45 p.m. Central Daylight Time I will be injecting my "trigger" shot. This shot will cause my body to ovulate in about 36 hours. So we will be doing the egg retrieval 35 hours after the shot...Wednesday morning at 8:45 a.m. It's amazing how precise this process needs to be. We go tomorrow (Tuesday) morning for one final blood drawl and to go over pre- and post-op information. I'm done with Lupron! Yeah! I'm done with FSH! Yeah!

All sounds good and easy, huh?

Well, then one of my personalities screamed "Release the Kraken!"

This is my one and only Clash of the Titans reference, but describes my state of mind PERFECTLY right now!

So after I tell Brandon about the voice mail info and continued plan, the following conversation ensued:

Brandon: Should we get a hotel and stay in Nashville Tuesday night?

Me: Why would we need to do that? (getting a little nervous now)

Brandon: This is such a time sensitive procedure, we don't want to run the risk of being late and you know how bad the traffic can be.

Me: You really think it's necessary? I mean, I really hadn't thought about it. (personality is about to split)

Brandon: I just want to do whatever is the least stressful for you. So whatever you want to do.

Me: Shit, I mean I REALLY hadn't even considered being late until JUST now. Thanks for trying to relieve the stress!!!

So, after a 911 call to my parents to talk me off the ledge and because I've lost all ability to make decisions for myself, we're staying in Nashville tomorrow night. No need to tempt fate....and to quote Brandon, "What's another $200 when we've already spent $18,000." Good point.

Who knows, maybe I'll calm down a little tomorrow night (insert laugh here).


I'm off to pack, wish us luck!

More to come...

Welcome to my roller coaster ride...hang on tight.

So, let me start by telling you about my meltdown last night and this morning.


**Disclaimer - lots of gross girl stuff included...guys, continue reading at your own risk**


Went to the bathroom last night and noticed quite a bit of (sorry guys) cervical mucus when I wiped. Since I've been drier than the Sahara Desert for the last couple of weeks thanks to the Lupron, I was quite shocked to see the egg white like substance known to most women. To me, this is a sure sign that I'm about to ovulate....not a good thing! Since I'm pretty much on the verge of spawning more personalities than Sally Field in Sybil, I immediately assume that all has just gone totally wrong. I shouldn't be ovulating just yet...now they are going to cancel my cycle and then what? I don't want to repeat this process!! I completely spiral into my own internal hell. I'm now just sure that I've completely jinxed us by creating this blog and announcing to the world on Facebook (just yesterday) what we're doing. And now we're done, finished, forever childless. I'm amazed that I was actually able to sleep last night.

This morning was not much better. I was still convinced that they were going to cancel everything today...and better yet...I'd probably find out via a damn voice mail message because I'm forever aware that the ultrasound tech won't tell me squat! The ride to Nashville was tense...Brandon could tell I was internally spiraling out of control but was possibly a little afraid of me (or whatever dormant personality was soon going to awake). He just kept driving and offered the occasional "You OK?". To which I would hiss, "Fine".

We were way early to the clinic...like 45 minutes...but they took us back early (brownie points). The ultrasound tech was chipper and again had Brandon write down her findings (which still makes me nervous...seriously, the handwriting is BAD). She called out random numbers and I contemplated yelling "BINGO" at one point, but even I couldn't muster much outward humor. I was still convinced that all was lost with this cycle and that she was just moments away from giving me a "poor dear" look. But instead, when she was done, she said we were free to go unless we wanted to talk to our IVF nurse about anything. That option was new....she didn't offer that up 2 days ago and I felt like she'd been holding out. However, I was so dejected by my own assumptions that I said, "No, it's fine". Thank God for Brandon....out of nowhere I heard him speak up and say, "Um, YES, we'd like to see the nurse please." This man ALWAYS knows when to come to my rescue. If he hadn't been there, I would have just sulked all the way out of the office with no more answers than before and assuming everything was doomed.....effing hormones.

Jen, our IVF nurse, met us after the ultrasound and I explained my concern over the slime I discovered last night and that I was worried I was ovulating. She quickly put my fears to rest by saying that is the most common question she gets and that it is fine. It was just my body naturally reacting to my estrogen level rising...as it should. Whew! This girl is SO SWEET and reassuring in her mannerisms and demeanor that if I ever get a fatal disease, I want HER to break the news to me (and I thought only KK had that amazing ability to make people thank her for not hiring them!...this girl's running a very close second). We asked a few more questions about dates and such and she answered them all to our satisfaction. Again, Thank God Brandon was with me or this appointment would have ended QUITE differently...possibly with "We interrupt this broadcast to bring you breaking news from Nashville...".

So, it seems as though we are on track. Jen said that we have quite a few follicles and we just need a little more time for them to grow. After checking my voice mail this afternoon, I learned that my Estradiol level was 661 (I know what you're thinking....just a smidgen away) and I am to stay on the same medications and dosages until Monday. That's when we'll go back for another ultrasound. Looks like the egg retrieval will most likely be Wednesday next week but that's still up in the air.

Wow, I'm exhausted. This roller coaster ride should be closed to the public...it's not safe for anyone right now!

More on Monday...

Quest for Info

Let me start by clarifying something….although Brandon and I have not discussed it yet, I’m pretty sure that if we are successful in having a baby we will not be naming it Chase. I have come to realize that several people have misinterpreted my blog title. Cathy's Baby Chase is referring to our “quest” for a baby. Although, given the cost of this “quest”, Chase might not be a bad idea. Chase Citibank Sanspree does have an interesting ring to it. We may have to reconsider…

Sunday night I hit the next phase of the process. I’m now shooting up 2 times a day….Lupron in the morning and now FSH at night. FSH is the follicle stimulating hormone (not to be mistaken for Rogaine) whose purpose is to…you guessed it…stimulate the follicles in my ovaries. It’s amazing how much I can actually feel this drug working. Within an hour of taking the second shot I could almost feel my ovaries stimulating…well, maybe it was just gas, but humor me please. I like to think that we’re making progress. Thankfully the FSH doesn’t have the same effect as the Lupron did. At least with this drug, my personality isn’t going to split any more than it already has! The injections have become a normal part of the day. When I started I was so careful to make sure I followed proper procedure and make everything as sterile as possible. Wash hands before starting process. Use separate alcohol swaps for cleaning the vial and prepping the injection site. Use sterile gauze pads to apply pressure to the site after injection. Well, now my process is much more lax. The other day, I dropped the alcohol wipe on the floor, picked it up and dusted off the cat hair before using it to “sterilize” the injection site. Then after the shot I applied pressure with my used dinner napkin. Don’t worry, I don’t have plans to pursue any career in the medical field. I’m relatively sure that my lessened protocol won’t result in our child being born with gills…..hopefully not.

Today we went to Nashville for our first set of tests since starting the FSH injections. I had an ultrasound and blood work done. Like previous visits, I had built this appointment up in my head and was sure it was going to be the MOST informative visit so far. Once again, I WAS WRONG. We were there less than 30 minutes and only had about 10 words spoken to us…but they were very friendly 10 words. The ultrasound tech came into the room and asked Brandon to right down what she calls out. This was troubling to me since Brandon’s handwriting is like that of a 6 year old serial killer surgeon (another mental note for baby names…Doogie Bundy Sanspree). I was afraid that whatever numbers she had him write down would later be mistaken for GPS coordinates for the nearest Best Buy. But she seemed sure that his writing would be fine. When she was done with the ultrasound, she said that we were done for the day and she’ll see us on Friday. My head was screaming “Wait a minute lady. I just let you violate me with an obscenely long object and you aren’t going to even tell me what you saw??” But instead of listening to my “voices”, I politely asked if everything was good, bad, anything she could tell us? She very promptly reminded me that I must have forgotten that we were told at the Fertility Class that the ultrasound techs would not be able to tell me anything. The doctor would have to review it and I should check my voice mail box this afternoon. Remembering to smile, I said I must have forgotten that. Thanks for reminding me and I promise I won’t ask again on Friday. And with that, we were done and I left disappointed about the lack of info at the appointment and really wanting to "use my words" with that ultrasound tech.

I checked my voice mail 3 LONG hours later and got the results. The IVF nurse said that my estradiol level was 326 and I was to continue with 5 units of Lupron in the morning and 225 units of FSH in the evening. She wished me a nice evening and said sweetly that she’d see us on Friday morning. Again, WTF???? That’s it????? I have no f#@$ing idea was it means that my estradiol level is 326. For all I know that could mean that we’re going to give birth to a little blue thing with white footed pants, a hat and answers to Papa Smurf.

OK, OK…I realize that I probably need to be talked off a ledge at this point and that I’m letting stress get the better of me. So I decided to email the IVF nurse to find more out. Here’s how it went:

Jen,
Thanks for my voicemail and test results. I have to admit that I feel a little in the dark about the results since this is my first IVF cycle. You said my estradiol level was 326. Is that a good range for day 4 of stimulation? I can only assume (and hope) that by keeping my medication at the same level that means that all is proceeding as expected and planned…..but I was just wondering if that was the case.

Sorry to bother you as I’m sure MANY women are just as stressed as I am and are asking constant questions!
Cathy

Cathy,
First off, don’t apologize for asking questions-that is why I am here! Anytime you have questions, ask me. IVF is too stressful to have unanswered questions on top of everything else. There is really no set estradiol level we look for as you go through IVF, we just want to see it continue to rise throughout the cycle, letting us know that your body is responding to the medication. With that being said, your estradiol level this morning is a good level for day 4-not too low and not too high! Keeping your medications the same is a good sign and does mean things are progressing as planned. Let me know if you have any more questions-please do not hesitate to ask!!
Have a great day and see you Friday,
Jen


Well, her response makes me feel better…for now. She was too sweet for me to keep being pissed off....the bitch. Tomorrow’s another day and another opportunity for me to think irrationally and fly off the handle at the drop of a hat….it’s good times at the Sansprees.

More to come…

March (Menopause) Madness

Last time I updated, I had proudly conquered the injection demon. So now we’re 11 days into “shooting up” and I’m pretty sure I’m ready to compete in an injection Olympic event. I will say that my adrenaline was sky high for that first injection and since then they do sting a little more. But nonetheless, I persevere through the pain. As I explained before, the medicine that I’m taking is Lupron. Its purpose is to suppress my estrodiol (estrogen) level thus preventing me from ovulating (before planned). Some time ago I was warned about certain side effects of this drug and I joked about me probably having EVERY one. But I didn’t really think that would happen because I’m not usually a “side effect” prone person with most other medications. I WAS WRONG! The key point about this drug that I seemed to overlook is that it is basically putting your body into a chemically induced menopause. So I officially feel like age 36 is the new age 55! Days 4-7 were probably the worst days for the hot flashes…thankfully those seemed to have subsided. Depression set in around the same time and hit me like a ton of bricks. What’s been the worst so far is my irritability. I have found myself not able to control my temper AT ALL…then feel guilty for flying off the handle immediately after…which in turn kicks the depression back in…..VICIOUS cycle. I’m also tired and restless at the same time. If I sit down, all I want to do is get up and do something. Then the minute I’m up, I get tired and want to sit back down again. NOTHING makes me happy or satisfies (or pacifies) me for very long and I won’t even get started on the amount of food I’ve consumed lately. All I can say is, Thank God Brandon loves me…he must to be able to put up with me right now.

Today we had our first appointment at the clinic since we started this cycle over 3 weeks ago. They call it a “suppression check” because that’s the main point of the visit…to make sure that the Lupron is working to suppress my estrogen appropriately. I’ve been waiting for this appointment for weeks now and had built it up tremendously in my hormone riddled mind. I was sure that I’d find out SO MUCH today and feel like we were really getting into the process…..but I feel a little disappointed by it….but I know it’s my own fault. They did blood work and then an ultrasound to make sure I don’t have any cysts…check. Then they did a complete physical and apparently I’m in good health…..check. Lastly, they performed a trial “transfer”. A transfer is what they call it when they put any embryos back into my uterus. It’s the last step of the process and will happen in about 2 ½ weeks. Today they were just checking my anatomy by threading the catheter into my uterus…practice makes perfect. That was it….not sure what I was expecting but it was definitely more than that…..again, nothing satisfies me.

What’s next? Since the blood work indicated that the medication, Lucifer, er, I mean Lupron is working and that I’m appropriately “suppressed”, I will continue with those shots daily but at a lesser dose. Then on Sunday (3/28) I will start taking the next injected medication called Follistim. That is a Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) that will stimulate the ovaries to start maturing the follicles. I’m not going to Google the side effects of this one…don’t want to put any ideas into my head! My next appointments will not be until Wednesday 3/31 and Friday 4/2. Those appointments will be to check blood work and have an ultrasound. They will be checking how well my ovaries react to the FSH. Everything after that will be up in the air and dependent on how those appointments go.

Sorry if this email is really whiny….it’s my current state of mind. And thanks to those at work who see me daily and are subjected to my constant talking about this whole process. It is ALL consuming….physically, mentally and emotionally. I don’t know how to NOT think about it…hopefully these next few weeks go by quicker than the last few.

NOTE: always remember, even when my tone seems really negative about the process, I would not be doing this if I didn’t think it at least has a shot at working. Being outwardly optimistic is easier said than done…I’m a work in progress.

More to come….

A shot in the dark

This post is a little long as I wrote it over the course of a couple of days this week.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Well, we’re 2 weeks into the IVF cycle and so far all I’ve had to do is take a few oral medications and avoid alcohol and caffeine. Nothing really major…just a lot of waiting (and craving a large sweet tea from McDonald’s). But one of the things I’ve been dreading is finally upon me…injections. Back in January when we were at the IVF class, they taught us how to do the injections. I didn’t pay much attention because Brandon has been adamant that his contribution to all this (aside from his “boys”) will be giving me the injections…and it didn’t bother me any to say OK. But as luck would have it, he is out of town this week and won’t be here for my first injection. Yeah Me! So it’s all up to me.

Now I realize that most of you are probably thinking “You work in a medical facility, have them do it.” And that is actually an option and if my nerves get the better of me…I’ll head to work and have an RN help me. But I’m a big girl and I SHOULD be able to do this….but, damn, I’m nervous. The clinic’s website has a great instructional video demonstrating how to draw the medicine and give the shot. I know this because I’ve watched it this week more times than a 13 year old girl has seen the movie Twilight. Unfortunately, Lupron (the med) in NOT my Edward. I keep hoping that if I sit the vial on my belly that osmosis will take over and perform the Immaculate Injection. I know, it’s doubtful…. Mary was one lucky girl.

Someone who has been through IVF told me that once you get to the shot stage of the cycle, you’ll at least feel like you have some control over the process again. I hope she’s right. I feel like this is progressing at a snail’s pace. I’ll probably be regretting saying that in a couple of weeks when it starts to get crazy, but right now minutes seem like hours and days like weeks. But I have had a funny moment this week. One of the doctors at work is just finishing an IVF cycle. He and his wife have been very sweet with advice as this is the second time for them (and they were successful on their first try!). They have also been incredibly generous by passing on any extra meds that they had and saved me a little money. The other day I returned from lunch to find a gift bag on my desk with a note from the physician saying they had these leftovers and thought I might be able to use them. I sent them a thank note for my “gift” and let them know that nothing makes a girl feel more special than a bag full of syringes! I still can’t believe I have a “sharps” container in my house…

Thursday, March 11, 2010
I’m still obsessing over this first shot. I’ve watched the instructional video again tonight…ok, 5 times tonight. I’ve worked this thing up so much in my mind you’d think I was going to be performing my own abdominal surgery in the morning! It’s probably best that Brandon’s not here for this, my anxiety is making me pretty postal. It didn’t help matters any that when I called him tonight (since I hadn’t talked to him in over 24 hours) that he said, “Whatcha need?”. Seriously?? Oh, I don’t know, I figured you just MIGHT want to talk to your wife but if I’m interrupting…by all means I’ll leave you alone! Yep, I’m postal alright. Another bad thing is that I Googled “side effects of Lupron” tonight. FYI – Google is the devil…I NEVER should have done that. I’m now pretty sure that I will have EVERY side effect (such as moodiness, constipation, hot flashes, insomnia, dizziness, etc) within minutes of the first shot. Wonder if I’ll sleep any tonight…I’m ready to get this behind me.

Friday, March 12, 2010
The morning of truth! Slept surprisingly fine and got over my irritation with Brandon (lucky him). Got everything laid out and ready for surgery. Here’s how it went:

-Watched the video 2 more times…just to make sure that I didn’t miss anything from the 33 previous viewings.
-Wiped off the vial with alcohol swab.
-Feeling a bit OCD, decided to wipe off with another alcohol swab….just in case.
-Removed syringe from the wrapper and knocked sharps container off the counter in the process…scaring the shit out of the cats.
-Giggled a little bit and broke the tension.
-Inserted the syringe into the vial and drew up the appropriate amount.
-Laid the syringe on the counter and once again hoped for the Immaculate Injection…..but no such luck.
-Dialed the numbers 9 1 1 on my cell phone in case I feel faint and laid it on the counter.
-Searched for an acceptable spot to be the pin cushion on my belly.
-Cleaned the selected area with alcohol swab…ok, with 2.
-Counted to 10…..then 20…..then 50…..then JAB!
-Wondered what all the fuss was about…I’ve had mosquito bites worse than that.

I feel so accomplished! I truly believe that I handled that syringe with such expertise and finesse. I’m ready for my heroin addiction now.
Note: I'll be on these shots until my next appointment on March 22nd.

More later...

And so it begins....

Most of my life I would think, “is it time for my period AGAIN? Didn’t I JUST have one?”. It always seemed that a month flew by so quickly and “Aunt Flo” (as many infertility websites term it) was never a convenient and fun thing. Then when going through years of trying to get pregnant, a month seemed to drag by and take an eternity, but you still didn’t want to see that period at the end. So this last month, the waiting for my period to start has been excruciating. I’ve never wanted to bleed more in my entire life. Well, I got my wish a couple of days ago. So now we are at the beginning of the IVF cycle.

The most important instruction that the clinic had was that I must call on the day I start my period. So I did and in turn got the calendar for the entire cycle. A couple of dates are set in stone and the rest are approximate. I’ll outline it below so you have an idea how it will progress. Unfortunately, this process isn’t free; so another important note is that we must also pay within 3 days of receiving my plan. Needless to say, my stress level hit DEFCON 1 in that same day. It’s so overwhelming because within the span of 2 days I received my cycle plan, mailed checks totaling about $15,000 and was contacted by the pharmacy to pay for all my injectibles (roughly $3000). I’m coming down from the anxiety A LITTLE and I think that the public is now safe from the potential of me picking people off in the parking lot of the clinic from the roof sniper style…for now. But just wait until I start shooting myself up with all the injections and jacking even more with my hormones…you might want to purchase some Kevlar to wear just in case.

So here’s what is going to happen and when:

2/26 – 3/18 – I will take birth control pills for the first 3 weeks. This helps keep me from ovulating and also helps prevent ovarian cysts during the cycle.
3/3 – 3/8 – Both Brandon and I will take an antibiotic. This helps clear out any bacteria that our bodies may have in them.
3/12 – I start giving myself injections of Lupron. This drug is used to regulate the ovaries and prevent spontaneous ovulation during the process.
3/22 – I have an appointment called a Suppression Check. This appointment includes a host of tests including checking my estrogen level, ultrasound, physical etc. Basically it’s to check how well my ovaries have been suppressed and if they are producing multiple follicles of similar size. At this time it will be decided what dosage of further drugs are needed to proceed. We’ll even get a voicemail box that I will call daily to check for instructions from my IVF nurse.

From this point on the timeframe becomes approximate. Everything will be based on periodic blood tests and ultrasounds. I’ll get more detailed about this when the time comes. But this process should complete around the week of April 5th…and then the waiting game begins.

But for now, all I have to do is take several oral meds and treat myself as if I’m pregnant. That means no alcohol, caffeine, take folic acid (which I’m taking an extra high dose of because I don’t metabolize it properly) and only take “pregnancy safe” drugs (Tylenol, Sudafed, etc.) if needed. I’m already struggling with the no caffeine. I’m not really a caffeine junkie, but since early last year, I stopped drinking many carbonated drinks because I get the hiccups so easily. And I switched to sweet tea……damn, I miss that already! Oh well, small price to pay and I’ll survive…I think.

Well, that’s what is happening now. I know I’m not supposed to be stressing….but you know me. Anxiety is my middle name. I’ll let everyone know what happens at my first appointment (3/22). Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

More later.