Quest for Info

Let me start by clarifying something….although Brandon and I have not discussed it yet, I’m pretty sure that if we are successful in having a baby we will not be naming it Chase. I have come to realize that several people have misinterpreted my blog title. Cathy's Baby Chase is referring to our “quest” for a baby. Although, given the cost of this “quest”, Chase might not be a bad idea. Chase Citibank Sanspree does have an interesting ring to it. We may have to reconsider…

Sunday night I hit the next phase of the process. I’m now shooting up 2 times a day….Lupron in the morning and now FSH at night. FSH is the follicle stimulating hormone (not to be mistaken for Rogaine) whose purpose is to…you guessed it…stimulate the follicles in my ovaries. It’s amazing how much I can actually feel this drug working. Within an hour of taking the second shot I could almost feel my ovaries stimulating…well, maybe it was just gas, but humor me please. I like to think that we’re making progress. Thankfully the FSH doesn’t have the same effect as the Lupron did. At least with this drug, my personality isn’t going to split any more than it already has! The injections have become a normal part of the day. When I started I was so careful to make sure I followed proper procedure and make everything as sterile as possible. Wash hands before starting process. Use separate alcohol swaps for cleaning the vial and prepping the injection site. Use sterile gauze pads to apply pressure to the site after injection. Well, now my process is much more lax. The other day, I dropped the alcohol wipe on the floor, picked it up and dusted off the cat hair before using it to “sterilize” the injection site. Then after the shot I applied pressure with my used dinner napkin. Don’t worry, I don’t have plans to pursue any career in the medical field. I’m relatively sure that my lessened protocol won’t result in our child being born with gills…..hopefully not.

Today we went to Nashville for our first set of tests since starting the FSH injections. I had an ultrasound and blood work done. Like previous visits, I had built this appointment up in my head and was sure it was going to be the MOST informative visit so far. Once again, I WAS WRONG. We were there less than 30 minutes and only had about 10 words spoken to us…but they were very friendly 10 words. The ultrasound tech came into the room and asked Brandon to right down what she calls out. This was troubling to me since Brandon’s handwriting is like that of a 6 year old serial killer surgeon (another mental note for baby names…Doogie Bundy Sanspree). I was afraid that whatever numbers she had him write down would later be mistaken for GPS coordinates for the nearest Best Buy. But she seemed sure that his writing would be fine. When she was done with the ultrasound, she said that we were done for the day and she’ll see us on Friday. My head was screaming “Wait a minute lady. I just let you violate me with an obscenely long object and you aren’t going to even tell me what you saw??” But instead of listening to my “voices”, I politely asked if everything was good, bad, anything she could tell us? She very promptly reminded me that I must have forgotten that we were told at the Fertility Class that the ultrasound techs would not be able to tell me anything. The doctor would have to review it and I should check my voice mail box this afternoon. Remembering to smile, I said I must have forgotten that. Thanks for reminding me and I promise I won’t ask again on Friday. And with that, we were done and I left disappointed about the lack of info at the appointment and really wanting to "use my words" with that ultrasound tech.

I checked my voice mail 3 LONG hours later and got the results. The IVF nurse said that my estradiol level was 326 and I was to continue with 5 units of Lupron in the morning and 225 units of FSH in the evening. She wished me a nice evening and said sweetly that she’d see us on Friday morning. Again, WTF???? That’s it????? I have no f#@$ing idea was it means that my estradiol level is 326. For all I know that could mean that we’re going to give birth to a little blue thing with white footed pants, a hat and answers to Papa Smurf.

OK, OK…I realize that I probably need to be talked off a ledge at this point and that I’m letting stress get the better of me. So I decided to email the IVF nurse to find more out. Here’s how it went:

Jen,
Thanks for my voicemail and test results. I have to admit that I feel a little in the dark about the results since this is my first IVF cycle. You said my estradiol level was 326. Is that a good range for day 4 of stimulation? I can only assume (and hope) that by keeping my medication at the same level that means that all is proceeding as expected and planned…..but I was just wondering if that was the case.

Sorry to bother you as I’m sure MANY women are just as stressed as I am and are asking constant questions!
Cathy

Cathy,
First off, don’t apologize for asking questions-that is why I am here! Anytime you have questions, ask me. IVF is too stressful to have unanswered questions on top of everything else. There is really no set estradiol level we look for as you go through IVF, we just want to see it continue to rise throughout the cycle, letting us know that your body is responding to the medication. With that being said, your estradiol level this morning is a good level for day 4-not too low and not too high! Keeping your medications the same is a good sign and does mean things are progressing as planned. Let me know if you have any more questions-please do not hesitate to ask!!
Have a great day and see you Friday,
Jen


Well, her response makes me feel better…for now. She was too sweet for me to keep being pissed off....the bitch. Tomorrow’s another day and another opportunity for me to think irrationally and fly off the handle at the drop of a hat….it’s good times at the Sansprees.

More to come…

March (Menopause) Madness

Last time I updated, I had proudly conquered the injection demon. So now we’re 11 days into “shooting up” and I’m pretty sure I’m ready to compete in an injection Olympic event. I will say that my adrenaline was sky high for that first injection and since then they do sting a little more. But nonetheless, I persevere through the pain. As I explained before, the medicine that I’m taking is Lupron. Its purpose is to suppress my estrodiol (estrogen) level thus preventing me from ovulating (before planned). Some time ago I was warned about certain side effects of this drug and I joked about me probably having EVERY one. But I didn’t really think that would happen because I’m not usually a “side effect” prone person with most other medications. I WAS WRONG! The key point about this drug that I seemed to overlook is that it is basically putting your body into a chemically induced menopause. So I officially feel like age 36 is the new age 55! Days 4-7 were probably the worst days for the hot flashes…thankfully those seemed to have subsided. Depression set in around the same time and hit me like a ton of bricks. What’s been the worst so far is my irritability. I have found myself not able to control my temper AT ALL…then feel guilty for flying off the handle immediately after…which in turn kicks the depression back in…..VICIOUS cycle. I’m also tired and restless at the same time. If I sit down, all I want to do is get up and do something. Then the minute I’m up, I get tired and want to sit back down again. NOTHING makes me happy or satisfies (or pacifies) me for very long and I won’t even get started on the amount of food I’ve consumed lately. All I can say is, Thank God Brandon loves me…he must to be able to put up with me right now.

Today we had our first appointment at the clinic since we started this cycle over 3 weeks ago. They call it a “suppression check” because that’s the main point of the visit…to make sure that the Lupron is working to suppress my estrogen appropriately. I’ve been waiting for this appointment for weeks now and had built it up tremendously in my hormone riddled mind. I was sure that I’d find out SO MUCH today and feel like we were really getting into the process…..but I feel a little disappointed by it….but I know it’s my own fault. They did blood work and then an ultrasound to make sure I don’t have any cysts…check. Then they did a complete physical and apparently I’m in good health…..check. Lastly, they performed a trial “transfer”. A transfer is what they call it when they put any embryos back into my uterus. It’s the last step of the process and will happen in about 2 ½ weeks. Today they were just checking my anatomy by threading the catheter into my uterus…practice makes perfect. That was it….not sure what I was expecting but it was definitely more than that…..again, nothing satisfies me.

What’s next? Since the blood work indicated that the medication, Lucifer, er, I mean Lupron is working and that I’m appropriately “suppressed”, I will continue with those shots daily but at a lesser dose. Then on Sunday (3/28) I will start taking the next injected medication called Follistim. That is a Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) that will stimulate the ovaries to start maturing the follicles. I’m not going to Google the side effects of this one…don’t want to put any ideas into my head! My next appointments will not be until Wednesday 3/31 and Friday 4/2. Those appointments will be to check blood work and have an ultrasound. They will be checking how well my ovaries react to the FSH. Everything after that will be up in the air and dependent on how those appointments go.

Sorry if this email is really whiny….it’s my current state of mind. And thanks to those at work who see me daily and are subjected to my constant talking about this whole process. It is ALL consuming….physically, mentally and emotionally. I don’t know how to NOT think about it…hopefully these next few weeks go by quicker than the last few.

NOTE: always remember, even when my tone seems really negative about the process, I would not be doing this if I didn’t think it at least has a shot at working. Being outwardly optimistic is easier said than done…I’m a work in progress.

More to come….

A shot in the dark

This post is a little long as I wrote it over the course of a couple of days this week.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Well, we’re 2 weeks into the IVF cycle and so far all I’ve had to do is take a few oral medications and avoid alcohol and caffeine. Nothing really major…just a lot of waiting (and craving a large sweet tea from McDonald’s). But one of the things I’ve been dreading is finally upon me…injections. Back in January when we were at the IVF class, they taught us how to do the injections. I didn’t pay much attention because Brandon has been adamant that his contribution to all this (aside from his “boys”) will be giving me the injections…and it didn’t bother me any to say OK. But as luck would have it, he is out of town this week and won’t be here for my first injection. Yeah Me! So it’s all up to me.

Now I realize that most of you are probably thinking “You work in a medical facility, have them do it.” And that is actually an option and if my nerves get the better of me…I’ll head to work and have an RN help me. But I’m a big girl and I SHOULD be able to do this….but, damn, I’m nervous. The clinic’s website has a great instructional video demonstrating how to draw the medicine and give the shot. I know this because I’ve watched it this week more times than a 13 year old girl has seen the movie Twilight. Unfortunately, Lupron (the med) in NOT my Edward. I keep hoping that if I sit the vial on my belly that osmosis will take over and perform the Immaculate Injection. I know, it’s doubtful…. Mary was one lucky girl.

Someone who has been through IVF told me that once you get to the shot stage of the cycle, you’ll at least feel like you have some control over the process again. I hope she’s right. I feel like this is progressing at a snail’s pace. I’ll probably be regretting saying that in a couple of weeks when it starts to get crazy, but right now minutes seem like hours and days like weeks. But I have had a funny moment this week. One of the doctors at work is just finishing an IVF cycle. He and his wife have been very sweet with advice as this is the second time for them (and they were successful on their first try!). They have also been incredibly generous by passing on any extra meds that they had and saved me a little money. The other day I returned from lunch to find a gift bag on my desk with a note from the physician saying they had these leftovers and thought I might be able to use them. I sent them a thank note for my “gift” and let them know that nothing makes a girl feel more special than a bag full of syringes! I still can’t believe I have a “sharps” container in my house…

Thursday, March 11, 2010
I’m still obsessing over this first shot. I’ve watched the instructional video again tonight…ok, 5 times tonight. I’ve worked this thing up so much in my mind you’d think I was going to be performing my own abdominal surgery in the morning! It’s probably best that Brandon’s not here for this, my anxiety is making me pretty postal. It didn’t help matters any that when I called him tonight (since I hadn’t talked to him in over 24 hours) that he said, “Whatcha need?”. Seriously?? Oh, I don’t know, I figured you just MIGHT want to talk to your wife but if I’m interrupting…by all means I’ll leave you alone! Yep, I’m postal alright. Another bad thing is that I Googled “side effects of Lupron” tonight. FYI – Google is the devil…I NEVER should have done that. I’m now pretty sure that I will have EVERY side effect (such as moodiness, constipation, hot flashes, insomnia, dizziness, etc) within minutes of the first shot. Wonder if I’ll sleep any tonight…I’m ready to get this behind me.

Friday, March 12, 2010
The morning of truth! Slept surprisingly fine and got over my irritation with Brandon (lucky him). Got everything laid out and ready for surgery. Here’s how it went:

-Watched the video 2 more times…just to make sure that I didn’t miss anything from the 33 previous viewings.
-Wiped off the vial with alcohol swab.
-Feeling a bit OCD, decided to wipe off with another alcohol swab….just in case.
-Removed syringe from the wrapper and knocked sharps container off the counter in the process…scaring the shit out of the cats.
-Giggled a little bit and broke the tension.
-Inserted the syringe into the vial and drew up the appropriate amount.
-Laid the syringe on the counter and once again hoped for the Immaculate Injection…..but no such luck.
-Dialed the numbers 9 1 1 on my cell phone in case I feel faint and laid it on the counter.
-Searched for an acceptable spot to be the pin cushion on my belly.
-Cleaned the selected area with alcohol swab…ok, with 2.
-Counted to 10…..then 20…..then 50…..then JAB!
-Wondered what all the fuss was about…I’ve had mosquito bites worse than that.

I feel so accomplished! I truly believe that I handled that syringe with such expertise and finesse. I’m ready for my heroin addiction now.
Note: I'll be on these shots until my next appointment on March 22nd.

More later...

And so it begins....

Most of my life I would think, “is it time for my period AGAIN? Didn’t I JUST have one?”. It always seemed that a month flew by so quickly and “Aunt Flo” (as many infertility websites term it) was never a convenient and fun thing. Then when going through years of trying to get pregnant, a month seemed to drag by and take an eternity, but you still didn’t want to see that period at the end. So this last month, the waiting for my period to start has been excruciating. I’ve never wanted to bleed more in my entire life. Well, I got my wish a couple of days ago. So now we are at the beginning of the IVF cycle.

The most important instruction that the clinic had was that I must call on the day I start my period. So I did and in turn got the calendar for the entire cycle. A couple of dates are set in stone and the rest are approximate. I’ll outline it below so you have an idea how it will progress. Unfortunately, this process isn’t free; so another important note is that we must also pay within 3 days of receiving my plan. Needless to say, my stress level hit DEFCON 1 in that same day. It’s so overwhelming because within the span of 2 days I received my cycle plan, mailed checks totaling about $15,000 and was contacted by the pharmacy to pay for all my injectibles (roughly $3000). I’m coming down from the anxiety A LITTLE and I think that the public is now safe from the potential of me picking people off in the parking lot of the clinic from the roof sniper style…for now. But just wait until I start shooting myself up with all the injections and jacking even more with my hormones…you might want to purchase some Kevlar to wear just in case.

So here’s what is going to happen and when:

2/26 – 3/18 – I will take birth control pills for the first 3 weeks. This helps keep me from ovulating and also helps prevent ovarian cysts during the cycle.
3/3 – 3/8 – Both Brandon and I will take an antibiotic. This helps clear out any bacteria that our bodies may have in them.
3/12 – I start giving myself injections of Lupron. This drug is used to regulate the ovaries and prevent spontaneous ovulation during the process.
3/22 – I have an appointment called a Suppression Check. This appointment includes a host of tests including checking my estrogen level, ultrasound, physical etc. Basically it’s to check how well my ovaries have been suppressed and if they are producing multiple follicles of similar size. At this time it will be decided what dosage of further drugs are needed to proceed. We’ll even get a voicemail box that I will call daily to check for instructions from my IVF nurse.

From this point on the timeframe becomes approximate. Everything will be based on periodic blood tests and ultrasounds. I’ll get more detailed about this when the time comes. But this process should complete around the week of April 5th…and then the waiting game begins.

But for now, all I have to do is take several oral meds and treat myself as if I’m pregnant. That means no alcohol, caffeine, take folic acid (which I’m taking an extra high dose of because I don’t metabolize it properly) and only take “pregnancy safe” drugs (Tylenol, Sudafed, etc.) if needed. I’m already struggling with the no caffeine. I’m not really a caffeine junkie, but since early last year, I stopped drinking many carbonated drinks because I get the hiccups so easily. And I switched to sweet tea……damn, I miss that already! Oh well, small price to pay and I’ll survive…I think.

Well, that’s what is happening now. I know I’m not supposed to be stressing….but you know me. Anxiety is my middle name. I’ll let everyone know what happens at my first appointment (3/22). Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

More later.

Learning Day

We went to Nashville today to attend a required IVF Class. This was the last of our prerequisites. We were with 3 other couples and it took about 3 hours. Oddly I wasn’t as overwhelmed today as I was on our first visit; possibly because I was able to read up on the process before we got there. All I usually need is time to process the information and let it sink in…it doesn’t happen instantly for me. Brandon was…..well, Brandon! I think it’s no secret that the love of my life is basically a 6’2” 12 year old. When we walked into the conference room, laid out in front of each couple’s seat was an array of medical equipment like syringes, needles, epipens, vials and even a fake belly. Guess we were going to learn how to give injections….YAY! You can imagine that I was not thrilled because I was eventually going to be the recipient of those injections (and for more days than I ever expected). But Brandon was like a kid in a candy store. He had disassembled the epipen and opened a syringe before I even had my jacket off…I had to contain my want to scold him like the 12 year old he is! I didn’t even really pay that much attention to how to administer the shots because Brandon is adamant that that’s what he going to do FOR me. Works for me because then I can complain and blame him when he hurts me! Sounds like normal girl logic, don’t you think? If I was doing them myself, then who am I going to blame?

They really took time to go over the entire IVF cycle in detail and let us know what to expect and why things were done certain ways. We got to meet our IVF nurse and it was comforting knowing that we have only one person to deal with throughout the entire process. Also discussed was the optional process of Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD). This is a process that we are very interested in. While it’s possible that the majority of my miscarriage problem was because of them being ectopic, it’s also very possible that the eggs have had some type of abnormality as well. Embryos with abnormal chromosomes have very high miscarriage rates. So we are not going to pursue the genetic testing for the purposes of being genetically selective. But rather to ensure that we have a live birth…we are willing to take whatever issues a child might have (even if it’s something like Downs). We just want to make sure that all the eggs that are transferred have the best shot possible.

Then they moved on to the cost. Not really much I can say about this other than……OMG WTF! Enough said.

So……what’s next? We just now have to sit back and wait until my next cycle. Well, actually we are waiting for my CURRENT cycle to begin (hopefully any day now) and then once the next one starts…it’s on. Looks like mid- to late February is when we will start the IVF cycle.

I’m going to go outside my comfort zone and protective shell for the first time by saying that, after today, I’m really starting to feel more excited about this process. It feels like the right step to take and that it just might work (that one was for you, Susie). Learning the details was in an odd way comforting for me. I’m not a “big picture” person and I definitely can’t see the forest for the trees. Details give me a focus but the “big picture” makes me retreat to my happy place……that’s right, I’m pretty much Rainman. Ten minutes to Wapner.

More later.

Our IVF Journey Begins...

To catch everyone up on our fertility saga...we had our 7th miscarriage in early December 2009. Unfortunately it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy and my tubes ruptured. My doctor had to remove both my fallopian tubes during an emergency surgery. I recovered just fine; but our conceiving options were narrowed down to 1...In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). Because of my age (36), we know that we don't have a very long time to wait so we decided to get started as soon as possible.

Today we went to the Nashville Fertility Clinic to have a consultation for IVF. We are familiar with the doctor because she helped us a few years ago in our search for answers regarding the miscarriages. After bringing her up to date on my recent history, she told us that we are good candidates for IVF. The only issue that was mentioned was my weight. I am above the weight recommendation for candidates but since I have lost so much weight recently and given what we've been through, she was not going to make it an issue (but I'm going to try to lose as much as possible before we start).

We told the doctor that we wanted to start the process as soon as possible. So we got as many of the prerequisites done today as possible (prelim ultrasound and blood tests). The only other prerequisite is an IVF class that we will attend on January 20th. After that we only need to wait for my next cycle to begin and we can start the IVF process. That will hopefully be early to mid February. I won't get into the details of how that works because I'm just learning myself! But what I can tell you is that once started, the IVF cycle will take roughly 6 weeks. At the moment, we're not sure how many cycles we may do if unsuccessful on any of the tries.

So that's all the details that we have so far. Now I'm going to get into something I've never really done before with everyone...how I'm REALLY handling all this. Maybe this will help me get through it all...

Let me start by saying that Brandon was off the charts excited today. Between all the information the doctor was giving and Brandon asking a million questions and interjecting stuff, I almost retreated into my happy place. It was WAY OVERWHELMING to say the least. It doesn't help that I've been the most emotional in my life since the surgery last month (sometimes feeling one step away from bipolar). Another thing I'm going to have to try to overcome is my pessimistic attitude. It's been my defense mechanism over the last 4 years....outwardly expect the worst and hide my optimism so I look like I'm handling it better because I expected the worst. It's demented logic (I know) but it's what I've been doing. So if you talk to me and I downplay our chances or seem very matter of fact about it all, know it's because I'm not good at opening up about feelings...mainly because I can cry at the drop of a hat and that just makes everyone around me uncomfortable. Brandon's the lucky one that gets to deal with my tears when they come (he's such a trooper!).

Well, I think that's enough therapy for one day! This was just the first day of this process that may possibly take months and I'm already exhausted physically and emotionally. Thanks to everyone for all their support, it is very needed and appreciated by us both. More to come....