I dropped $18k and all I got was this stupid Tshirt

I'm starting to recover from the initial shock of the news. I came home from work because it was too hard to hide the emotion and it comes out instantly when I see people. So I've sequestered myself to the empty house to deal. I really hadn't thought about the possibility that the first test would be negative. I've gotten pregnant so many times in the past that I thought that if we did all the steps right, it would at least work to get me that first positive test. It was anything thereafter that I was not so positive about. But things seldom work out the way I plan them...yes, even for a control freak like me. God's got a plan and apparently I missed the planning meeting.

Some may wonder why we even chose to try IVF. I mean, it's not like we really could afford it. But when I woke up from my surgery back in December (the one where they removed my tubes due to a ruptured ectopic), and I found out that I still had my ovaries, at first I was disappointed that my ovaries were still there. In some deep, dark part of me, I had hoped that my decision to stop trying would be made for me by the surgeon. But when that didn't occur, I took that as a sign that IVF was the next step we were supposed to take. It was now our only option for conceiving. After MANY discussions and tears, we decided that we would regret not giving it at least a try. But, man, I'm sad it didn't work. You might think I'd be angry and wonder why this is happening, but after years of trying, you stop asking why and being angry...at least I have.

I don't want to, but I know I need to find the good in what we've gone through. All I can hope for is that someone might read this blog one day and my experience helps them in some way....even if just for a laugh or the amazement that they are not alone in the bi-polar world of trying to conceive.

So what's next?

Brandon and I have discussed this scenario at length. Obviously our days of IVF are over for good. Not only can we not afford it, but I'm pretty sure that Brandon would divorce me before letting me go back on Lupron again. That's like knowingly walking into the Devil's house and saying "You want a piece of me?". Not a smart move.

Many have asked me about adoption and it's a topic that I usually choose to avoid if possible....until now. Let me start by saying that couples that adopt are some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I admire them beyond belief. Brandon and I have obviously discussed this option many times....you don't face fertility issues without the topic coming up. And each time we talked, we came to the same conclusion....we just don't know. I'm not going to get into all the reasons that are stopping us from moving forward with that option. I know that there's always someone out there with a rebuttal; and, trust me, we've thought of them too. So the answer to the question of adoption is currently, "It just has not yet presented itself as the right choice." Will that change in the future? Maybe. But will it be anytime soon? No.

We're both exhausted...physically, mentally and emotionally. When one of us gets the strength to begin another potentially long, costly process, then maybe we'll have kids. But right now we need each other. We need to learn to live in a world that is not consumed with having kids. And more importantly, for me....I need to find out what's next for ME. Brandon has his passions, hobbies, interests and they are MANY. I, on the other hand, am floundering and need to find my place and what will fulfill ME. Anyone know a good Life Coach? I guess I need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

I also desperately need a vacation!! Know of any free trips to the Bahamas where they also pay your salary while you're off? Nice dream, huh?

This may be my last post. I'm not sure what else is left to say. But I appreciate all the support of my family, friends, co-workers, my agent, the studio executives, the crew, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ...[played off by music]. Yeah, it started to sound like an acceptance speech.

P.S. - the cats are not sad at all. We thought it was a possibility that they might have to go if we were successful (for several reasons). They are now doing the happy dance on the kitchen table over their new lease on life.