Curiosity killed the Cathy

It's been several days since my last post and there's a reason for that. I've been doing everything possible to busy myself and keep my mind off this waiting game. Wednesday is D Day. It will either be the beginning of the next chapter or the end of an epic saga. I've spent the last 4 1/2 years preparing myself for this moment. And I'm prepared for whatever outcome God decides to give us...but it will still be sad if it's the end....and I'll be scared shitless if God decides to bust out his sense of humor and give us triplets.

Another reason for not posting lately is because this is the point in the process where I start to withdrawal. Remember, I've been told 7 times that my pregnancy test was positive. So there's not the same excitement in that phone call anymore. I've also been told 7 times that it's not looking good and will end. Over the years, we made the decision to not tell anyone when I would get a positive test because it's easier to not have to go back and tell everyone that it's ending. Every time was incredibly hard...but if people around me knew, then it made it even harder to watch them be upset as well. It's hard to drag people onto this emotional roller coaster and feels a little like leading lambs to slaughter.

With that said, I did decide to take a different approach this time around in hopes that my being open about the process might enlighten people and hopefully help someone else going through the same thing. But I do feel myself shutting down just a bit with the information flow. Whenever anyone asks me "How are you?" I feel like they want to know if I'm experiencing any pregnancy symptoms. But I don't want to give anyone any potentially false hopes so all I usually reply is "I'm fine." But believe me when I tell you that I am VERY aware of any twinge, cramp, nausea, etc that I'm feeling (or imagining).

I'm also fighting every urge to pee on a stick. Well, not just any stick but there is quite a variety out there. There's plus/minus signs, one/two pink lines, and even ones that say the words pregnant or not pregnant...kind of a no brainer. But we were heavily warned NOT to take a home pregnancy test. This is because I have injected the same hormone that the test checks for so it's very possible to get a false positive or negative. So I resisted the urge to buy one yesterday....especially since the store was out of them. Seriously, how does a store run out of pregnancy tests? Is it really that hot of an item? Oh well...

Wednesday's the day we get to find out if this process worked in getting me knocked up. But for me, if it's positive, it will be the test on Friday that will tell me more. The hormone level should at least double in 2 days. So the first number means very little (only that dropping $18k and splitting my personality worked). The second number speaks volumes. I'm dying to find out if I'll get a chance to even test for a second number.

More on Wednesday...