I dropped $18k and all I got was this stupid Tshirt

I'm starting to recover from the initial shock of the news. I came home from work because it was too hard to hide the emotion and it comes out instantly when I see people. So I've sequestered myself to the empty house to deal. I really hadn't thought about the possibility that the first test would be negative. I've gotten pregnant so many times in the past that I thought that if we did all the steps right, it would at least work to get me that first positive test. It was anything thereafter that I was not so positive about. But things seldom work out the way I plan them...yes, even for a control freak like me. God's got a plan and apparently I missed the planning meeting.

Some may wonder why we even chose to try IVF. I mean, it's not like we really could afford it. But when I woke up from my surgery back in December (the one where they removed my tubes due to a ruptured ectopic), and I found out that I still had my ovaries, at first I was disappointed that my ovaries were still there. In some deep, dark part of me, I had hoped that my decision to stop trying would be made for me by the surgeon. But when that didn't occur, I took that as a sign that IVF was the next step we were supposed to take. It was now our only option for conceiving. After MANY discussions and tears, we decided that we would regret not giving it at least a try. But, man, I'm sad it didn't work. You might think I'd be angry and wonder why this is happening, but after years of trying, you stop asking why and being angry...at least I have.

I don't want to, but I know I need to find the good in what we've gone through. All I can hope for is that someone might read this blog one day and my experience helps them in some way....even if just for a laugh or the amazement that they are not alone in the bi-polar world of trying to conceive.

So what's next?

Brandon and I have discussed this scenario at length. Obviously our days of IVF are over for good. Not only can we not afford it, but I'm pretty sure that Brandon would divorce me before letting me go back on Lupron again. That's like knowingly walking into the Devil's house and saying "You want a piece of me?". Not a smart move.

Many have asked me about adoption and it's a topic that I usually choose to avoid if possible....until now. Let me start by saying that couples that adopt are some of the most amazing people I've ever met. I admire them beyond belief. Brandon and I have obviously discussed this option many times....you don't face fertility issues without the topic coming up. And each time we talked, we came to the same conclusion....we just don't know. I'm not going to get into all the reasons that are stopping us from moving forward with that option. I know that there's always someone out there with a rebuttal; and, trust me, we've thought of them too. So the answer to the question of adoption is currently, "It just has not yet presented itself as the right choice." Will that change in the future? Maybe. But will it be anytime soon? No.

We're both exhausted...physically, mentally and emotionally. When one of us gets the strength to begin another potentially long, costly process, then maybe we'll have kids. But right now we need each other. We need to learn to live in a world that is not consumed with having kids. And more importantly, for me....I need to find out what's next for ME. Brandon has his passions, hobbies, interests and they are MANY. I, on the other hand, am floundering and need to find my place and what will fulfill ME. Anyone know a good Life Coach? I guess I need to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

I also desperately need a vacation!! Know of any free trips to the Bahamas where they also pay your salary while you're off? Nice dream, huh?

This may be my last post. I'm not sure what else is left to say. But I appreciate all the support of my family, friends, co-workers, my agent, the studio executives, the crew, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ...[played off by music]. Yeah, it started to sound like an acceptance speech.

P.S. - the cats are not sad at all. We thought it was a possibility that they might have to go if we were successful (for several reasons). They are now doing the happy dance on the kitchen table over their new lease on life.

The wait is over and so is the journey.

The pregnancy test this morning was negative. This means our IVF journey has come to an end. There's probably much more to be said about this, but I don't have it in me at the moment.

I'll write more later....after my sinuses unclog.

Curiosity killed the Cathy

It's been several days since my last post and there's a reason for that. I've been doing everything possible to busy myself and keep my mind off this waiting game. Wednesday is D Day. It will either be the beginning of the next chapter or the end of an epic saga. I've spent the last 4 1/2 years preparing myself for this moment. And I'm prepared for whatever outcome God decides to give us...but it will still be sad if it's the end....and I'll be scared shitless if God decides to bust out his sense of humor and give us triplets.

Another reason for not posting lately is because this is the point in the process where I start to withdrawal. Remember, I've been told 7 times that my pregnancy test was positive. So there's not the same excitement in that phone call anymore. I've also been told 7 times that it's not looking good and will end. Over the years, we made the decision to not tell anyone when I would get a positive test because it's easier to not have to go back and tell everyone that it's ending. Every time was incredibly hard...but if people around me knew, then it made it even harder to watch them be upset as well. It's hard to drag people onto this emotional roller coaster and feels a little like leading lambs to slaughter.

With that said, I did decide to take a different approach this time around in hopes that my being open about the process might enlighten people and hopefully help someone else going through the same thing. But I do feel myself shutting down just a bit with the information flow. Whenever anyone asks me "How are you?" I feel like they want to know if I'm experiencing any pregnancy symptoms. But I don't want to give anyone any potentially false hopes so all I usually reply is "I'm fine." But believe me when I tell you that I am VERY aware of any twinge, cramp, nausea, etc that I'm feeling (or imagining).

I'm also fighting every urge to pee on a stick. Well, not just any stick but there is quite a variety out there. There's plus/minus signs, one/two pink lines, and even ones that say the words pregnant or not pregnant...kind of a no brainer. But we were heavily warned NOT to take a home pregnancy test. This is because I have injected the same hormone that the test checks for so it's very possible to get a false positive or negative. So I resisted the urge to buy one yesterday....especially since the store was out of them. Seriously, how does a store run out of pregnancy tests? Is it really that hot of an item? Oh well...

Wednesday's the day we get to find out if this process worked in getting me knocked up. But for me, if it's positive, it will be the test on Friday that will tell me more. The hormone level should at least double in 2 days. So the first number means very little (only that dropping $18k and splitting my personality worked). The second number speaks volumes. I'm dying to find out if I'll get a chance to even test for a second number.

More on Wednesday...

Profanity makes talking fun

Bed rest is done and it’s back to work. Maybe work will offer a bit of a distraction from this long wait until next Wednesday’s pregnancy test. It’s highly doubtful but I willing to grasp onto any prospect at this point. However, today didn’t go quite as I’d planned…imagine that.

I have one blood test left before next week’s pregnancy test. They need to test my progesterone level to make sure that I’m making my uterus the most inviting place possible for little squirts. We figured it was unnecessary for me to drive to Nashville just for a blood test, especially since I work at damn medical facility with a fully functioning lab. So I decided to have it done at work. After giving the lab the orders, I was waiting in the booth for the phlebotomist and, being nosy, inspected the orders. I noticed that it didn’t say that the results were needed STAT…which is typical for these tests so I can know quickly whether to adjust the dosage or not. I pointed this error out to the girl and (long story only slightly shortened) it turns out that our lab does not process progesterone tests in-house and sends them out….hence not coming back STAT. I melted down. WHAT? At this point, my natural sailor-like verbal skills kicked in and I’m pretty sure that I dropped several “shits”, a couple of “damns” and used the term “shitload”. I wasn’t angry at the lab….I was the one at fault for not checking on this and I was pissed at myself. I marched back to my office with the realization that I was going to have to hightail it to Nashville and PRAY that I get there in time for them to get the blood work processed today.

I immediately call Brandon to tell him what happened and got his voice mail. So I texted him and drove out of town like a bat out of hell. With every passing minute I get more pissed that Brandon has yet to call me back…so I texted again. I realize that me driving to Nashville was not necessarily a 911 call (yet) but what if it had been an emergency…like me stuck on the side of the road with a flat tire (wait, that comes later)? I should be able to reach my husband for goodness sake! I’d reached crisis intervention level at this point. So I called him, yet again….and he finally answered. Poor guy had to endure my wrath and he took it like a trooper…thankfully not a state trooper or he would have had me incarcerated immediately.

Thankfully I calmed down after unleashing on him and returned back to DEFCON 5 and the All Clear was called. But then my mind drifted back to the scene in the lab at work. What did I say to them? Was I rude? Did I say anything out of line? OMG, did I swear? Please tell me I didn’t drop an F bomb.

Side Note: I work in Human Resources and we have to be the most politically correct, straight-laced people in the building. It’s completely a façade for me at work because when I’m off the clock, I don’t really like people and spew more profanities than a rap song. But on the clock, I’m Ms. Congeniality.

Now I’m terrified that I’ve completely pissed off the entire lab staff. So I make a call to the supervisor to apologize for anything that I might have said….which thankfully was not that bad according to her. Whew, termination crisis averted.

I made it to Nashville without a hitch. Got blood work done in plenty of time (which turned out to be an appropriate level) and headed back to BG singing along to the radio. It was an unexpected drive but thankfully a beautiful day. I was possibly the calmest I’ve been in weeks on the drive back. Then, about ½ mile away from work, I got a flat tire…

I know what you’re thinking…this is where I must have decided to end it all. But surprisingly I handled it all in stride. Brandon came to my rescue (on the first call…quick learner) and we went to lunch after dropping off my car to have the tire replaced. The day ended much better than it started.

This hormonal rollercoaster is an amazing ride. Consistency gets chucked right out the window. Hard to believe that I’m not even officially knocked up yet. Can you imagine another 9 months of this? Pray for Brandon.

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo

It's day two of the mandatory best rest post embryo transfer and I'm feeling like a slug. It seems silly to complain about some making you lie around all day and I'm trying my best not to complain. But when you feel perfectly fine, laying here seems like overkill. But, hey, I'm down for the cause.

However, as I lay here in my wonderful tempurpedic bed that we spent an insane amount of money on last year (and I'm really appreciating that we did right now), I can't get a particular image out of my head. I'm beginning to feel like one of Charlie's bedridden grandparents in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Any minute now I'm expecting Brandon to burst through the door and dance around the bed singing, "I've got a golden ticket, I've got a golden ticket...". I've got my camera handy, just in case.


Once again, I'm acutely aware of every twinge, cramp and gas bubble in my abdomen. I can't help but wonder what the 3 little squirts are doing in there. Hopefully one has decided to take up residence. I'm doing all I can by enduring the nightly shots that are supposed to be making the space more plush and inviting...shag carpet anyone?

And then there were 3

This post is coming to you from my recliner....laid all the way back. So that means we had good news today and the transfer went as planned. We arrived for our appointment as instructed...with my bladder at capacity. This is not a very comfortable position to be in but I'm willing to do anything that will make this a success. I also had in hand my one Valium that was to be taken prior to the transfer. We were led back to the surgery center and did all the necessary prep for the procedure. I got to don a gown (not formal) and Brandon got to try out the newest look in medical wear. Since he was going to be in the room, he had to dress up like everyone else in scrubs, hat, mask and booties....it was quite a sight.


Then they told us to sit tight and things would get underway soon. That's when the wait began. They came in and checked on us several times, each time telling us that it would be a little while longer. When you embark on this journey, you feel like the only ones in the world that are going through it. But when they come to tell you that there is an egg retrieval and a transfer ahead of you, it kind of feels like they just told you that you're 7th in line for deicing and will take off soon. It really depersonalizes the process and you now just feel like cattle being herded through the center. But we made it through the wait without my bladder bursting, which required more control than I thought possible.

Finally the doctor came in and went over the procedure. Then the embryologist came in with the information that we've been waiting all weekend for. She informed us that we had 3 embryos that survived the weekend and the genetic testing. Two were looking great and were considered Grade A. The 3rd one was just a little slower to develop but was also looking pretty good and a Grade B. Her next question threw us both for a loop. She asked how many we wanted to transfer. I didn't think we really had an option and just assumed that they would do 2 based on my age. But she indicated that given my track record with pregnancies, she thought we might want to be more aggressive and put all 3 in. Obviously our risk is triplets. But the decision was up to us. If we opted to only do 2, then they would freeze the third for a later try.

It took us a few minutes to process this decision and after a short discussion, we decided to go for it with all three since the likelihood of Brandon putting up with me through this process again was next to none. Surely we won't have triplets. Seriously, you don't think we'll really have triplets do you? Needless to say....we're now a little freaked out.

After that decision was made we were off to do the transfer. It was an easy procedure with A LOT of protocol (which I really appreciate because I really don't want anyone else's kid in me). Brandon got to watch the whole procedure (on the ultrasound monitor....not from other angle) and they showed me the ultrasound picture when they were done. It showed a small little blip on the screen that was the 3 embryos moving in. I only hope that I made them feel welcome and that one (or 2) decides to stay awhile. It was an overwhelming moment that brought the tears flowing.

Now I'm banished to a reclined position for today and tomorrow. I wish it were raining, that might make it easier.


Here are pictures of our little "buns". The 2 that look like Circus Peanuts are our little Grade A Stars. The one that looks like a kindergartners drawing for the refrigerator is our Grade B slow pitcher. As hard as it may be, you can't think less of him. Bless his heart. Also, and gender reference I make is purely for writing purposes. We had the option of knowing the gender of these three but opted to be surprised at the ultrasound later on. (how's that for positive thinking?)

My 1st pregnancy test will be on April 21st.

More then...

Another day, another outlook

Let me start by thanking everyone for all the attempts to bring me back from the brink of darkness. I'm not going to down play it...yesterday was a BAD day. I really appreciated all the supportive responses to my pit party. I'm not sure what was different, but today I woke up in a much better mood....so this is what it's like to be manic. I might attribute the change in attitude to the documentary about Jonestown and Hoarders marathon that I watched last night....guess I realized I should stop whining...it could be much worse.

Tomorrow morning we go back to Nashville to see if any of the Sanspree 6 made it through, not only the weekend, but also the genetic testing. After the transfer, I'll be instructed to remain on bed rest tomorrow and Tuesday...that should be interesting. I'll keep everyone posted.

Yesterday was bad. Today was good. Here's hoping (and praying) tomorrow is even better.

More later...

Pity...party of one...your table is now available.

This is not going to be a funny post today. I'm not in a very humorous place at the moment. This process is really taking its toll on me. We started this cycle over 6 weeks ago....and I'm not even to the pregnant point yet. I have spent MANY years dealing with trying to conceive and nothing in those years has ever compared to the emotional, physical, psychological aspects of these last 6 weeks...and I may have another 9 months to go. What was I thinking?

Welcome to my pity party.

• I can't do anything strenuous and that's killing me on this georgeous weekend.
• We're broke so I can't go out and do anything to occupy my time. (don't get me started about my guilt over the iPad)
• My ankles are very swollen (not sure why) and I can't take anything for it.
• I don't really want to be around family or friends because I'm incredibly weepy and am afraid of crying at the drop of a hat.
• I'm eating for lack of anything better to do...even though I'm not really hungry.
• I'm beginning to hate my recliner...we've spent too much time together today.
  

This process has brought life to a standstill. There's no looking forward....at least not for another couple of weeks. It's not like I can start looking up baby names or nursery motifs. And it seems overly negative to plan an alcohol bender with friends the first weekend after this all ends. There's only waiting and holding my breath...praying for the best but also expecting the worst.

Before you dial 911, a suicide watch is not necessary. Just thought you might want a glimpse into the deep, dark recesses of my hormone riddled mind.

I wonder if Baskin Robbins delivers...

Vaguest Embryo Update Ever

For once, my being overly anxious has paid off. We were told to check our voice mail messages after 12:00 p.m. today for our last embryo update. So, of course, I planned my morning around dialing up the voice mail box every 30 minutes starting at 8:00 a.m. Sounded like a reasonable plan to me.

I lucked out at 9:00 a.m. and heard those precious words again, "You have one new message". I was just sure I was going to hear that all 6 embryos had divided their hearts out last night and were on the verge of becoming the next Nobel Peace Prize recipients. Unfortunately Shawn the Embryologist wasn't so specific. Here's what he said...

"Good morning Mr. and Mrs. Sanspree. My name is Shawn and I have an embryo update for you this morning. I just wanted to let you know that most of your embryos seem to be developing well...."

There was more after that about when our transfer is scheduled and that we'll get pictures of the embryos on Monday...blah, blah, blah. I knew all that stuff already. I just wanted to know more specifics about the Sanspree 6. Does "most seem to be developing well" mean that we're down to 5 or 4? Or does it mean that 1 is being an over achiever, 2 are headed for mediocrity and the other 3 will probably be slackers in life? Specifics PLEASE!! Is that so much to ask??

OK, I know what you're thinking...I should be more positive. This wasn't really bad news and I realize that. But remember who you're dealing with....definitely not Suzy Sunshine. So I guess I'll do my best by saying that at least they didn't tell me that they all crashed and burned last night. That's the most positivity I can muster at this point.

What's next? A long weekend of waiting and wondering. We won't get another update until we show up for the transfer procedure on Monday at 10:30. So until then, cross your fingers, toes and any other appendages you can manage. Then say a prayer, light a candle or handle some snakes...whatever religious preference you have...I'm not picky at this point.

More on Monday....or sooner if anything noteworthy happens to my psyche between now and then.

You have 1 new message...

It's weird that for the next several days, this process is out of our hands (and uterus) and in a petri dish. We will get a couple updates via voice mail message from the embryologist on the progress of our litter of embryos. So my day today was spent dialing up the voice mail box every 30 minutes (even though they told us they would leave messages at the same time each day) in hopes of hearing the mechanical female voice say those 5 little words, "you have one new message".

I finally got to hear those words around noon...WooHoo. But I was still nervous as I pressed "1" to play. The message was short and sweet. They simply said that of our 14 eggs retrieved, 11 were mature enough to be inseminated. Of those 11 inseminated, 6 fertilized. From what they told us, on average about half of the eggs inseminated end up fertilizing. So I guess were still riding the average....I'll take average.

We get one more message tomorrow with the progress of the Sanspree 6. I hope those little guys divide their cells like it's nobody's business tonight!

This is what they probably look like right now.

More tomorrow...

Rules, rules and more rules

Made it through the first Progesterone shot!! But not without a few words exchanged between me and Brandon (or is it Brandon and me, or Brandon and I....my grammar skills must have been tied to my follicles...that were all removed yesterday). Since Brandon ended up not giving me the first round of shots, I asked him if he felt ready to do it. Of course he said yes without any hesitation and with the normal cockiness of any guy. I wasn't convinced and asked if he wanted to watch the instructional video at least once since it's been months since our IVF class. He seemed offended that I even mentioned it. Whatever...

So when it came time for the shot, I stood there and watched him do everything wrong...at least to me it was wrong. Apparently he didn't think that alcohol wipes were necessary and had no idea what the gauze was for. I had to walk out of the kitchen at the point. Again, he seemed annoyed and offended that I didn't trust his abilities. And again I say, whatever...

I tried my best not to correct his preparation steps....hey, I said "TRIED". When he was ready, I turned my head and prepared for the worst stabbing of my life. But I have to say, it wasn't too bad. I think he was afraid to jab too hard, and by going a little slower, it hurt a little more but it really wasn't that bad. Even though he pretty much said screw it to the sterile protocol, I have to give him props for his effort. Now ask me how I feel about it in a week or so....when we've run out of virgin skin/muscle to stick.

Another thing I did last night was go over all of the rules and instructions that I was handed today for the next 2 weeks. My goodness, there are a lot of things I have to remember. For example:

• Progesterone shots once a day until instructed otherwise.
• Take steroid medication once a day for 4 days.
• Take antibiotic 4 times a day for 4 days.
• No lifting over 10 pounds.
• No exercising....leisure walking only. (damn, guess that Tae Bo class is going to have to wait...yeah right)
• No driving for 24 hours after retrieval.
• No alcohol.
• Don't kill husband.
• No caffeine.
• No sex (or the big O) until a negative pregnancy test or after 1st ultrasound.
• Don't kill any innocent bystanders (or at least have a good alibi).
• Check voice mail on day 1 and day 2 and day 6 after retrieval.
• Don't freak out if voice mail isn't ready promptly at noon like they said.
• Come to transfer appointment with a full bladder.
• Bed rest on the day of transfer and the day after.
• Resort to hooking on the nearest corner because all this time off work has destroyed your income.
  

This list seems endless. And with all the hormones coursing through my veins (very Incredible Hulk like) and the stress of the process, I can barely remember how to spell my last name let alone remember all of the above.

I'm still anxiously waiting for my voice mail message this afternoon to find out if any of our little ones fertilized. I'll let you know how it turns out tonight.

More later...

Easter Egg Hunt

Today was a day of reckoning for the IVF process. The egg retrieval is now complete. Everything we have gone through from the beginning has been solely for the purpose of this procedure. Every drug that I've injected has been preparing my body for today. It's not natural for your body to develop as many follicles as possible so that's why I've had to endure the side-effect hell that I've been in.

The egg retrieval went well this morning. Thanks to us staying in Nashville last night, we arrived right on time for our appointment. I was so relieved to find out that I would not be awake for the procedure which involved inserting a very long needle into my ovaries to remove the follicles. After all of the normal outpatient surgery prep (getting IV, donning gorgeous hospital gown and "party hat", etc.), I was wheeled into surgery and, thankfully, don't remember anything else...until I woke up with what felt like someone River Dancing on my abdomen. I woke up to more pain than I expected but the staff was gracious enough to accommodate me with some stellar drugs. (So if my post is a little scattered...you know I'm still "high")

Brandon got to do his "business" while I was in surgery. I'm sure there is a lot of pressure on guys to perform, but I still feel like he gets the better end of the deal.

An embryologist came in to let us know that they retrieved 14 eggs....apparently an average amount (I'm OK with average). They weren't able to tell us how many were actually mature, but let's think positive thoughts. After that we were able to leave.

So what's next?

It's now out of our hands (and my uterus). By now, I'm assuming that they have isolated Brandon's best "boys" and are introducing them to my "girls". We are having a process done called Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI). This is where they inject the best sperm into the egg and gives them a better chance for fertilization. We won't get an update until tomorrow. They told me to call my voice mail after noon tomorrow and they will have an update letting us know how many eggs were fertilized.

My job at this point is to start making my uterus a more inviting and plush environment for any embryos that we will hopefully have. It would be nice if it was as simple as ordering some nice furniture from Pottery Barn....but no. I'll let you take a "stab" at what it is I need to do now. You guess it.....more injections. This round of shots, however, can not be done by me. These shots are of progesterone in oil and must be injected in the muscle (IM)....which means my hips and I can't bend that way to do the shots myself. So it's time for Brandon to step up to the plate.

Once again, I'm nervous as hell about these shots. Partly because I can't do them myself (and I've become a pro at it), partly because Brandon has not yet given any shots, and lastly because IM injections are given with a needle the length of a telephone pole. Just take a look at the difference in the needles from my previous injections...


So I'm sure you can understand my hesitation. But the nurses were nice enough to draw on my hips a bulls-eye with a Sharpie to help Brandon with picking the right location. It only provides me with a smidgen of comfort. I'll let you know how the first shot goes...if I survive.

More to come...

Steve Jobs...the iBastard

This post is coming to you from inside a hotel room within sight of the Fertility Center. We came down this morning for my last estrogen level check and to go over the egg retrieval procedure with the IVF nurse. The appointment went fine and the IVF nurse informed us that my estrogen level was at an almost perfect level...not too high or too low (nice to hear good news). We went over the procedure specifics...all the usual stuff...no eating after midnight, arrive an hour early (another plus to us coming down tonight), etc.). This is the first appointment that I didn't freak out internally at.

Now we have the rest of the day to kill. After trying to check into the hotel early (with no luck), I returned to the car to find out that Brandon had already used the GPS on his phone to find the nearest Apple Store. It's one of the few stores that needs no words on its marquee...just a symbol. You know, that beacon in the night like the bat symbol that calls all to all geeks in every land. Let me preface the rest of this story with the fact that I truly believe that Steve Jobs is the devil incarnate. Brandon has yet to get his grubby paws on the newest Apple sensation, the iPad. I mean, it's been released for 4 days already...I can't believe his restraint! So, of course, we must proceed to the nearest Apple Store...do not pass go, do not collect $200. The voices in my head are screaming, Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid, and I'm trying my best to contain my contempt for any product that starts with a little i.

Now let me explain that I do have an iPhone and I really do love it. BUT...I only have it because Brandon just HAD to have the newest version last year and cast his 1st generation phone to the side. And I actually bought him that 1st phone as a Christmas gift several years ago. I was so proud of myself for saving the $400 to buy it. So I was NOT going to let it just sit and go unused. But I digress...

We get to the Mall at Green Hills and immediately make a beeline for the Apple Store. When we rounded the corner, it was as if angels descended upon Brandon and he went toward the light with choirs singing in his ears. It was not that type of moment for me. The minute he got one in his hands, I knew I had lost him...

so I left to go shopping...there was nothing more I could do at that point. He found me about 30 minutes later and I could see his mental abacus overheating with calculations. It wouldn't surprise me if he had already posted For Sale ads for our cats and dog on Craigs List. It was so obvious that he was desperately trying to find the cash to fund his newest obsession. I'll spare you guys the dialog that ensued between us, but suffice it to say that it was not pretty.

Now if any of you know me very well, you already know how this ended up. So I won't keep everyone guessing. Of course Brandon got his precious iPad. There's very little that I deny this man...I'm such a sucker when it comes to him. However, to fund it, he's pretty much going to become an arms dealer and sell off a portion of his arsenal. I find it a little cannibalistic when I see one hobby get sacrificed for another.

So that brings us back to our hotel room. We've shopped, fought, and stuffed ourselves at the Cheesecake Factory. Now we're lounging in the room with 3 laptops, an iPad and free WiFi. Thanks Hampton Inn.

But I can at least say that I'm a little more relaxed about tomorrow.....for now. I'll let you know how it goes.

More to come...

Trigger Happy

No, I'm not referring to my current postal nature or my husband's extensive arsenal. The time has finally come for me to "trigger" ovulation.

So we went to Nashville this morning for our 3rd (and final) ultrasound prior to the all important event of egg retrieval. My estrogen level has climbed to an all time high of 2752 and I had quite a few follicles that seemed pretty big to me. I mean 20 x 21 seems like beach ball size to me...and feels like it too! I'm at an uncomfortable level with my ovaries right now and I've never been more acutely aware of those 2 little organs in my entire life.

While we were waiting on the ultrasound tech, I looked over at Brandon in the corner of the room. He was contently playing a game on his iPhone. But I noticed that the phone didn't have the Juice Pack attached (it's a cover that has an additional battery in it), so I asked where it was. He said that he intentionally left it off so he wouldn't have as much battery life on the phone. What he meant was, so he wouldn't be able to play the game as much....thus being more attentive to the appointment details. Typical boy logic and I guess I should appreciate his contribution to the process. Thanks for your support, honey. Your sacrifice is duly noted.

So all is well and tonight at exactly 9:45 p.m. Central Daylight Time I will be injecting my "trigger" shot. This shot will cause my body to ovulate in about 36 hours. So we will be doing the egg retrieval 35 hours after the shot...Wednesday morning at 8:45 a.m. It's amazing how precise this process needs to be. We go tomorrow (Tuesday) morning for one final blood drawl and to go over pre- and post-op information. I'm done with Lupron! Yeah! I'm done with FSH! Yeah!

All sounds good and easy, huh?

Well, then one of my personalities screamed "Release the Kraken!"

This is my one and only Clash of the Titans reference, but describes my state of mind PERFECTLY right now!

So after I tell Brandon about the voice mail info and continued plan, the following conversation ensued:

Brandon: Should we get a hotel and stay in Nashville Tuesday night?

Me: Why would we need to do that? (getting a little nervous now)

Brandon: This is such a time sensitive procedure, we don't want to run the risk of being late and you know how bad the traffic can be.

Me: You really think it's necessary? I mean, I really hadn't thought about it. (personality is about to split)

Brandon: I just want to do whatever is the least stressful for you. So whatever you want to do.

Me: Shit, I mean I REALLY hadn't even considered being late until JUST now. Thanks for trying to relieve the stress!!!

So, after a 911 call to my parents to talk me off the ledge and because I've lost all ability to make decisions for myself, we're staying in Nashville tomorrow night. No need to tempt fate....and to quote Brandon, "What's another $200 when we've already spent $18,000." Good point.

Who knows, maybe I'll calm down a little tomorrow night (insert laugh here).


I'm off to pack, wish us luck!

More to come...

Welcome to my roller coaster ride...hang on tight.

So, let me start by telling you about my meltdown last night and this morning.


**Disclaimer - lots of gross girl stuff included...guys, continue reading at your own risk**


Went to the bathroom last night and noticed quite a bit of (sorry guys) cervical mucus when I wiped. Since I've been drier than the Sahara Desert for the last couple of weeks thanks to the Lupron, I was quite shocked to see the egg white like substance known to most women. To me, this is a sure sign that I'm about to ovulate....not a good thing! Since I'm pretty much on the verge of spawning more personalities than Sally Field in Sybil, I immediately assume that all has just gone totally wrong. I shouldn't be ovulating just yet...now they are going to cancel my cycle and then what? I don't want to repeat this process!! I completely spiral into my own internal hell. I'm now just sure that I've completely jinxed us by creating this blog and announcing to the world on Facebook (just yesterday) what we're doing. And now we're done, finished, forever childless. I'm amazed that I was actually able to sleep last night.

This morning was not much better. I was still convinced that they were going to cancel everything today...and better yet...I'd probably find out via a damn voice mail message because I'm forever aware that the ultrasound tech won't tell me squat! The ride to Nashville was tense...Brandon could tell I was internally spiraling out of control but was possibly a little afraid of me (or whatever dormant personality was soon going to awake). He just kept driving and offered the occasional "You OK?". To which I would hiss, "Fine".

We were way early to the clinic...like 45 minutes...but they took us back early (brownie points). The ultrasound tech was chipper and again had Brandon write down her findings (which still makes me nervous...seriously, the handwriting is BAD). She called out random numbers and I contemplated yelling "BINGO" at one point, but even I couldn't muster much outward humor. I was still convinced that all was lost with this cycle and that she was just moments away from giving me a "poor dear" look. But instead, when she was done, she said we were free to go unless we wanted to talk to our IVF nurse about anything. That option was new....she didn't offer that up 2 days ago and I felt like she'd been holding out. However, I was so dejected by my own assumptions that I said, "No, it's fine". Thank God for Brandon....out of nowhere I heard him speak up and say, "Um, YES, we'd like to see the nurse please." This man ALWAYS knows when to come to my rescue. If he hadn't been there, I would have just sulked all the way out of the office with no more answers than before and assuming everything was doomed.....effing hormones.

Jen, our IVF nurse, met us after the ultrasound and I explained my concern over the slime I discovered last night and that I was worried I was ovulating. She quickly put my fears to rest by saying that is the most common question she gets and that it is fine. It was just my body naturally reacting to my estrogen level rising...as it should. Whew! This girl is SO SWEET and reassuring in her mannerisms and demeanor that if I ever get a fatal disease, I want HER to break the news to me (and I thought only KK had that amazing ability to make people thank her for not hiring them!...this girl's running a very close second). We asked a few more questions about dates and such and she answered them all to our satisfaction. Again, Thank God Brandon was with me or this appointment would have ended QUITE differently...possibly with "We interrupt this broadcast to bring you breaking news from Nashville...".

So, it seems as though we are on track. Jen said that we have quite a few follicles and we just need a little more time for them to grow. After checking my voice mail this afternoon, I learned that my Estradiol level was 661 (I know what you're thinking....just a smidgen away) and I am to stay on the same medications and dosages until Monday. That's when we'll go back for another ultrasound. Looks like the egg retrieval will most likely be Wednesday next week but that's still up in the air.

Wow, I'm exhausted. This roller coaster ride should be closed to the public...it's not safe for anyone right now!

More on Monday...