Curiosity killed the Cathy

It's been several days since my last post and there's a reason for that. I've been doing everything possible to busy myself and keep my mind off this waiting game. Wednesday is D Day. It will either be the beginning of the next chapter or the end of an epic saga. I've spent the last 4 1/2 years preparing myself for this moment. And I'm prepared for whatever outcome God decides to give us...but it will still be sad if it's the end....and I'll be scared shitless if God decides to bust out his sense of humor and give us triplets.

Another reason for not posting lately is because this is the point in the process where I start to withdrawal. Remember, I've been told 7 times that my pregnancy test was positive. So there's not the same excitement in that phone call anymore. I've also been told 7 times that it's not looking good and will end. Over the years, we made the decision to not tell anyone when I would get a positive test because it's easier to not have to go back and tell everyone that it's ending. Every time was incredibly hard...but if people around me knew, then it made it even harder to watch them be upset as well. It's hard to drag people onto this emotional roller coaster and feels a little like leading lambs to slaughter.

With that said, I did decide to take a different approach this time around in hopes that my being open about the process might enlighten people and hopefully help someone else going through the same thing. But I do feel myself shutting down just a bit with the information flow. Whenever anyone asks me "How are you?" I feel like they want to know if I'm experiencing any pregnancy symptoms. But I don't want to give anyone any potentially false hopes so all I usually reply is "I'm fine." But believe me when I tell you that I am VERY aware of any twinge, cramp, nausea, etc that I'm feeling (or imagining).

I'm also fighting every urge to pee on a stick. Well, not just any stick but there is quite a variety out there. There's plus/minus signs, one/two pink lines, and even ones that say the words pregnant or not pregnant...kind of a no brainer. But we were heavily warned NOT to take a home pregnancy test. This is because I have injected the same hormone that the test checks for so it's very possible to get a false positive or negative. So I resisted the urge to buy one yesterday....especially since the store was out of them. Seriously, how does a store run out of pregnancy tests? Is it really that hot of an item? Oh well...

Wednesday's the day we get to find out if this process worked in getting me knocked up. But for me, if it's positive, it will be the test on Friday that will tell me more. The hormone level should at least double in 2 days. So the first number means very little (only that dropping $18k and splitting my personality worked). The second number speaks volumes. I'm dying to find out if I'll get a chance to even test for a second number.

More on Wednesday...

Profanity makes talking fun

Bed rest is done and it’s back to work. Maybe work will offer a bit of a distraction from this long wait until next Wednesday’s pregnancy test. It’s highly doubtful but I willing to grasp onto any prospect at this point. However, today didn’t go quite as I’d planned…imagine that.

I have one blood test left before next week’s pregnancy test. They need to test my progesterone level to make sure that I’m making my uterus the most inviting place possible for little squirts. We figured it was unnecessary for me to drive to Nashville just for a blood test, especially since I work at damn medical facility with a fully functioning lab. So I decided to have it done at work. After giving the lab the orders, I was waiting in the booth for the phlebotomist and, being nosy, inspected the orders. I noticed that it didn’t say that the results were needed STAT…which is typical for these tests so I can know quickly whether to adjust the dosage or not. I pointed this error out to the girl and (long story only slightly shortened) it turns out that our lab does not process progesterone tests in-house and sends them out….hence not coming back STAT. I melted down. WHAT? At this point, my natural sailor-like verbal skills kicked in and I’m pretty sure that I dropped several “shits”, a couple of “damns” and used the term “shitload”. I wasn’t angry at the lab….I was the one at fault for not checking on this and I was pissed at myself. I marched back to my office with the realization that I was going to have to hightail it to Nashville and PRAY that I get there in time for them to get the blood work processed today.

I immediately call Brandon to tell him what happened and got his voice mail. So I texted him and drove out of town like a bat out of hell. With every passing minute I get more pissed that Brandon has yet to call me back…so I texted again. I realize that me driving to Nashville was not necessarily a 911 call (yet) but what if it had been an emergency…like me stuck on the side of the road with a flat tire (wait, that comes later)? I should be able to reach my husband for goodness sake! I’d reached crisis intervention level at this point. So I called him, yet again….and he finally answered. Poor guy had to endure my wrath and he took it like a trooper…thankfully not a state trooper or he would have had me incarcerated immediately.

Thankfully I calmed down after unleashing on him and returned back to DEFCON 5 and the All Clear was called. But then my mind drifted back to the scene in the lab at work. What did I say to them? Was I rude? Did I say anything out of line? OMG, did I swear? Please tell me I didn’t drop an F bomb.

Side Note: I work in Human Resources and we have to be the most politically correct, straight-laced people in the building. It’s completely a façade for me at work because when I’m off the clock, I don’t really like people and spew more profanities than a rap song. But on the clock, I’m Ms. Congeniality.

Now I’m terrified that I’ve completely pissed off the entire lab staff. So I make a call to the supervisor to apologize for anything that I might have said….which thankfully was not that bad according to her. Whew, termination crisis averted.

I made it to Nashville without a hitch. Got blood work done in plenty of time (which turned out to be an appropriate level) and headed back to BG singing along to the radio. It was an unexpected drive but thankfully a beautiful day. I was possibly the calmest I’ve been in weeks on the drive back. Then, about ½ mile away from work, I got a flat tire…

I know what you’re thinking…this is where I must have decided to end it all. But surprisingly I handled it all in stride. Brandon came to my rescue (on the first call…quick learner) and we went to lunch after dropping off my car to have the tire replaced. The day ended much better than it started.

This hormonal rollercoaster is an amazing ride. Consistency gets chucked right out the window. Hard to believe that I’m not even officially knocked up yet. Can you imagine another 9 months of this? Pray for Brandon.

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo

It's day two of the mandatory best rest post embryo transfer and I'm feeling like a slug. It seems silly to complain about some making you lie around all day and I'm trying my best not to complain. But when you feel perfectly fine, laying here seems like overkill. But, hey, I'm down for the cause.

However, as I lay here in my wonderful tempurpedic bed that we spent an insane amount of money on last year (and I'm really appreciating that we did right now), I can't get a particular image out of my head. I'm beginning to feel like one of Charlie's bedridden grandparents in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Any minute now I'm expecting Brandon to burst through the door and dance around the bed singing, "I've got a golden ticket, I've got a golden ticket...". I've got my camera handy, just in case.


Once again, I'm acutely aware of every twinge, cramp and gas bubble in my abdomen. I can't help but wonder what the 3 little squirts are doing in there. Hopefully one has decided to take up residence. I'm doing all I can by enduring the nightly shots that are supposed to be making the space more plush and inviting...shag carpet anyone?

And then there were 3

This post is coming to you from my recliner....laid all the way back. So that means we had good news today and the transfer went as planned. We arrived for our appointment as instructed...with my bladder at capacity. This is not a very comfortable position to be in but I'm willing to do anything that will make this a success. I also had in hand my one Valium that was to be taken prior to the transfer. We were led back to the surgery center and did all the necessary prep for the procedure. I got to don a gown (not formal) and Brandon got to try out the newest look in medical wear. Since he was going to be in the room, he had to dress up like everyone else in scrubs, hat, mask and booties....it was quite a sight.


Then they told us to sit tight and things would get underway soon. That's when the wait began. They came in and checked on us several times, each time telling us that it would be a little while longer. When you embark on this journey, you feel like the only ones in the world that are going through it. But when they come to tell you that there is an egg retrieval and a transfer ahead of you, it kind of feels like they just told you that you're 7th in line for deicing and will take off soon. It really depersonalizes the process and you now just feel like cattle being herded through the center. But we made it through the wait without my bladder bursting, which required more control than I thought possible.

Finally the doctor came in and went over the procedure. Then the embryologist came in with the information that we've been waiting all weekend for. She informed us that we had 3 embryos that survived the weekend and the genetic testing. Two were looking great and were considered Grade A. The 3rd one was just a little slower to develop but was also looking pretty good and a Grade B. Her next question threw us both for a loop. She asked how many we wanted to transfer. I didn't think we really had an option and just assumed that they would do 2 based on my age. But she indicated that given my track record with pregnancies, she thought we might want to be more aggressive and put all 3 in. Obviously our risk is triplets. But the decision was up to us. If we opted to only do 2, then they would freeze the third for a later try.

It took us a few minutes to process this decision and after a short discussion, we decided to go for it with all three since the likelihood of Brandon putting up with me through this process again was next to none. Surely we won't have triplets. Seriously, you don't think we'll really have triplets do you? Needless to say....we're now a little freaked out.

After that decision was made we were off to do the transfer. It was an easy procedure with A LOT of protocol (which I really appreciate because I really don't want anyone else's kid in me). Brandon got to watch the whole procedure (on the ultrasound monitor....not from other angle) and they showed me the ultrasound picture when they were done. It showed a small little blip on the screen that was the 3 embryos moving in. I only hope that I made them feel welcome and that one (or 2) decides to stay awhile. It was an overwhelming moment that brought the tears flowing.

Now I'm banished to a reclined position for today and tomorrow. I wish it were raining, that might make it easier.


Here are pictures of our little "buns". The 2 that look like Circus Peanuts are our little Grade A Stars. The one that looks like a kindergartners drawing for the refrigerator is our Grade B slow pitcher. As hard as it may be, you can't think less of him. Bless his heart. Also, and gender reference I make is purely for writing purposes. We had the option of knowing the gender of these three but opted to be surprised at the ultrasound later on. (how's that for positive thinking?)

My 1st pregnancy test will be on April 21st.

More then...

Another day, another outlook

Let me start by thanking everyone for all the attempts to bring me back from the brink of darkness. I'm not going to down play it...yesterday was a BAD day. I really appreciated all the supportive responses to my pit party. I'm not sure what was different, but today I woke up in a much better mood....so this is what it's like to be manic. I might attribute the change in attitude to the documentary about Jonestown and Hoarders marathon that I watched last night....guess I realized I should stop whining...it could be much worse.

Tomorrow morning we go back to Nashville to see if any of the Sanspree 6 made it through, not only the weekend, but also the genetic testing. After the transfer, I'll be instructed to remain on bed rest tomorrow and Tuesday...that should be interesting. I'll keep everyone posted.

Yesterday was bad. Today was good. Here's hoping (and praying) tomorrow is even better.

More later...

Vaguest Embryo Update Ever

For once, my being overly anxious has paid off. We were told to check our voice mail messages after 12:00 p.m. today for our last embryo update. So, of course, I planned my morning around dialing up the voice mail box every 30 minutes starting at 8:00 a.m. Sounded like a reasonable plan to me.

I lucked out at 9:00 a.m. and heard those precious words again, "You have one new message". I was just sure I was going to hear that all 6 embryos had divided their hearts out last night and were on the verge of becoming the next Nobel Peace Prize recipients. Unfortunately Shawn the Embryologist wasn't so specific. Here's what he said...

"Good morning Mr. and Mrs. Sanspree. My name is Shawn and I have an embryo update for you this morning. I just wanted to let you know that most of your embryos seem to be developing well...."

There was more after that about when our transfer is scheduled and that we'll get pictures of the embryos on Monday...blah, blah, blah. I knew all that stuff already. I just wanted to know more specifics about the Sanspree 6. Does "most seem to be developing well" mean that we're down to 5 or 4? Or does it mean that 1 is being an over achiever, 2 are headed for mediocrity and the other 3 will probably be slackers in life? Specifics PLEASE!! Is that so much to ask??

OK, I know what you're thinking...I should be more positive. This wasn't really bad news and I realize that. But remember who you're dealing with....definitely not Suzy Sunshine. So I guess I'll do my best by saying that at least they didn't tell me that they all crashed and burned last night. That's the most positivity I can muster at this point.

What's next? A long weekend of waiting and wondering. We won't get another update until we show up for the transfer procedure on Monday at 10:30. So until then, cross your fingers, toes and any other appendages you can manage. Then say a prayer, light a candle or handle some snakes...whatever religious preference you have...I'm not picky at this point.

More on Monday....or sooner if anything noteworthy happens to my psyche between now and then.