Another day, another outlook

Let me start by thanking everyone for all the attempts to bring me back from the brink of darkness. I'm not going to down play it...yesterday was a BAD day. I really appreciated all the supportive responses to my pit party. I'm not sure what was different, but today I woke up in a much better mood....so this is what it's like to be manic. I might attribute the change in attitude to the documentary about Jonestown and Hoarders marathon that I watched last night....guess I realized I should stop whining...it could be much worse.

Tomorrow morning we go back to Nashville to see if any of the Sanspree 6 made it through, not only the weekend, but also the genetic testing. After the transfer, I'll be instructed to remain on bed rest tomorrow and Tuesday...that should be interesting. I'll keep everyone posted.

Yesterday was bad. Today was good. Here's hoping (and praying) tomorrow is even better.

More later...

Pity...party of one...your table is now available.

This is not going to be a funny post today. I'm not in a very humorous place at the moment. This process is really taking its toll on me. We started this cycle over 6 weeks ago....and I'm not even to the pregnant point yet. I have spent MANY years dealing with trying to conceive and nothing in those years has ever compared to the emotional, physical, psychological aspects of these last 6 weeks...and I may have another 9 months to go. What was I thinking?

Welcome to my pity party.

• I can't do anything strenuous and that's killing me on this georgeous weekend.
• We're broke so I can't go out and do anything to occupy my time. (don't get me started about my guilt over the iPad)
• My ankles are very swollen (not sure why) and I can't take anything for it.
• I don't really want to be around family or friends because I'm incredibly weepy and am afraid of crying at the drop of a hat.
• I'm eating for lack of anything better to do...even though I'm not really hungry.
• I'm beginning to hate my recliner...we've spent too much time together today.
  

This process has brought life to a standstill. There's no looking forward....at least not for another couple of weeks. It's not like I can start looking up baby names or nursery motifs. And it seems overly negative to plan an alcohol bender with friends the first weekend after this all ends. There's only waiting and holding my breath...praying for the best but also expecting the worst.

Before you dial 911, a suicide watch is not necessary. Just thought you might want a glimpse into the deep, dark recesses of my hormone riddled mind.

I wonder if Baskin Robbins delivers...

Vaguest Embryo Update Ever

For once, my being overly anxious has paid off. We were told to check our voice mail messages after 12:00 p.m. today for our last embryo update. So, of course, I planned my morning around dialing up the voice mail box every 30 minutes starting at 8:00 a.m. Sounded like a reasonable plan to me.

I lucked out at 9:00 a.m. and heard those precious words again, "You have one new message". I was just sure I was going to hear that all 6 embryos had divided their hearts out last night and were on the verge of becoming the next Nobel Peace Prize recipients. Unfortunately Shawn the Embryologist wasn't so specific. Here's what he said...

"Good morning Mr. and Mrs. Sanspree. My name is Shawn and I have an embryo update for you this morning. I just wanted to let you know that most of your embryos seem to be developing well...."

There was more after that about when our transfer is scheduled and that we'll get pictures of the embryos on Monday...blah, blah, blah. I knew all that stuff already. I just wanted to know more specifics about the Sanspree 6. Does "most seem to be developing well" mean that we're down to 5 or 4? Or does it mean that 1 is being an over achiever, 2 are headed for mediocrity and the other 3 will probably be slackers in life? Specifics PLEASE!! Is that so much to ask??

OK, I know what you're thinking...I should be more positive. This wasn't really bad news and I realize that. But remember who you're dealing with....definitely not Suzy Sunshine. So I guess I'll do my best by saying that at least they didn't tell me that they all crashed and burned last night. That's the most positivity I can muster at this point.

What's next? A long weekend of waiting and wondering. We won't get another update until we show up for the transfer procedure on Monday at 10:30. So until then, cross your fingers, toes and any other appendages you can manage. Then say a prayer, light a candle or handle some snakes...whatever religious preference you have...I'm not picky at this point.

More on Monday....or sooner if anything noteworthy happens to my psyche between now and then.

You have 1 new message...

It's weird that for the next several days, this process is out of our hands (and uterus) and in a petri dish. We will get a couple updates via voice mail message from the embryologist on the progress of our litter of embryos. So my day today was spent dialing up the voice mail box every 30 minutes (even though they told us they would leave messages at the same time each day) in hopes of hearing the mechanical female voice say those 5 little words, "you have one new message".

I finally got to hear those words around noon...WooHoo. But I was still nervous as I pressed "1" to play. The message was short and sweet. They simply said that of our 14 eggs retrieved, 11 were mature enough to be inseminated. Of those 11 inseminated, 6 fertilized. From what they told us, on average about half of the eggs inseminated end up fertilizing. So I guess were still riding the average....I'll take average.

We get one more message tomorrow with the progress of the Sanspree 6. I hope those little guys divide their cells like it's nobody's business tonight!

This is what they probably look like right now.

More tomorrow...

Rules, rules and more rules

Made it through the first Progesterone shot!! But not without a few words exchanged between me and Brandon (or is it Brandon and me, or Brandon and I....my grammar skills must have been tied to my follicles...that were all removed yesterday). Since Brandon ended up not giving me the first round of shots, I asked him if he felt ready to do it. Of course he said yes without any hesitation and with the normal cockiness of any guy. I wasn't convinced and asked if he wanted to watch the instructional video at least once since it's been months since our IVF class. He seemed offended that I even mentioned it. Whatever...

So when it came time for the shot, I stood there and watched him do everything wrong...at least to me it was wrong. Apparently he didn't think that alcohol wipes were necessary and had no idea what the gauze was for. I had to walk out of the kitchen at the point. Again, he seemed annoyed and offended that I didn't trust his abilities. And again I say, whatever...

I tried my best not to correct his preparation steps....hey, I said "TRIED". When he was ready, I turned my head and prepared for the worst stabbing of my life. But I have to say, it wasn't too bad. I think he was afraid to jab too hard, and by going a little slower, it hurt a little more but it really wasn't that bad. Even though he pretty much said screw it to the sterile protocol, I have to give him props for his effort. Now ask me how I feel about it in a week or so....when we've run out of virgin skin/muscle to stick.

Another thing I did last night was go over all of the rules and instructions that I was handed today for the next 2 weeks. My goodness, there are a lot of things I have to remember. For example:

• Progesterone shots once a day until instructed otherwise.
• Take steroid medication once a day for 4 days.
• Take antibiotic 4 times a day for 4 days.
• No lifting over 10 pounds.
• No exercising....leisure walking only. (damn, guess that Tae Bo class is going to have to wait...yeah right)
• No driving for 24 hours after retrieval.
• No alcohol.
• Don't kill husband.
• No caffeine.
• No sex (or the big O) until a negative pregnancy test or after 1st ultrasound.
• Don't kill any innocent bystanders (or at least have a good alibi).
• Check voice mail on day 1 and day 2 and day 6 after retrieval.
• Don't freak out if voice mail isn't ready promptly at noon like they said.
• Come to transfer appointment with a full bladder.
• Bed rest on the day of transfer and the day after.
• Resort to hooking on the nearest corner because all this time off work has destroyed your income.
  

This list seems endless. And with all the hormones coursing through my veins (very Incredible Hulk like) and the stress of the process, I can barely remember how to spell my last name let alone remember all of the above.

I'm still anxiously waiting for my voice mail message this afternoon to find out if any of our little ones fertilized. I'll let you know how it turns out tonight.

More later...

Easter Egg Hunt

Today was a day of reckoning for the IVF process. The egg retrieval is now complete. Everything we have gone through from the beginning has been solely for the purpose of this procedure. Every drug that I've injected has been preparing my body for today. It's not natural for your body to develop as many follicles as possible so that's why I've had to endure the side-effect hell that I've been in.

The egg retrieval went well this morning. Thanks to us staying in Nashville last night, we arrived right on time for our appointment. I was so relieved to find out that I would not be awake for the procedure which involved inserting a very long needle into my ovaries to remove the follicles. After all of the normal outpatient surgery prep (getting IV, donning gorgeous hospital gown and "party hat", etc.), I was wheeled into surgery and, thankfully, don't remember anything else...until I woke up with what felt like someone River Dancing on my abdomen. I woke up to more pain than I expected but the staff was gracious enough to accommodate me with some stellar drugs. (So if my post is a little scattered...you know I'm still "high")

Brandon got to do his "business" while I was in surgery. I'm sure there is a lot of pressure on guys to perform, but I still feel like he gets the better end of the deal.

An embryologist came in to let us know that they retrieved 14 eggs....apparently an average amount (I'm OK with average). They weren't able to tell us how many were actually mature, but let's think positive thoughts. After that we were able to leave.

So what's next?

It's now out of our hands (and my uterus). By now, I'm assuming that they have isolated Brandon's best "boys" and are introducing them to my "girls". We are having a process done called Intra Cytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI). This is where they inject the best sperm into the egg and gives them a better chance for fertilization. We won't get an update until tomorrow. They told me to call my voice mail after noon tomorrow and they will have an update letting us know how many eggs were fertilized.

My job at this point is to start making my uterus a more inviting and plush environment for any embryos that we will hopefully have. It would be nice if it was as simple as ordering some nice furniture from Pottery Barn....but no. I'll let you take a "stab" at what it is I need to do now. You guess it.....more injections. This round of shots, however, can not be done by me. These shots are of progesterone in oil and must be injected in the muscle (IM)....which means my hips and I can't bend that way to do the shots myself. So it's time for Brandon to step up to the plate.

Once again, I'm nervous as hell about these shots. Partly because I can't do them myself (and I've become a pro at it), partly because Brandon has not yet given any shots, and lastly because IM injections are given with a needle the length of a telephone pole. Just take a look at the difference in the needles from my previous injections...


So I'm sure you can understand my hesitation. But the nurses were nice enough to draw on my hips a bulls-eye with a Sharpie to help Brandon with picking the right location. It only provides me with a smidgen of comfort. I'll let you know how the first shot goes...if I survive.

More to come...

Steve Jobs...the iBastard

This post is coming to you from inside a hotel room within sight of the Fertility Center. We came down this morning for my last estrogen level check and to go over the egg retrieval procedure with the IVF nurse. The appointment went fine and the IVF nurse informed us that my estrogen level was at an almost perfect level...not too high or too low (nice to hear good news). We went over the procedure specifics...all the usual stuff...no eating after midnight, arrive an hour early (another plus to us coming down tonight), etc.). This is the first appointment that I didn't freak out internally at.

Now we have the rest of the day to kill. After trying to check into the hotel early (with no luck), I returned to the car to find out that Brandon had already used the GPS on his phone to find the nearest Apple Store. It's one of the few stores that needs no words on its marquee...just a symbol. You know, that beacon in the night like the bat symbol that calls all to all geeks in every land. Let me preface the rest of this story with the fact that I truly believe that Steve Jobs is the devil incarnate. Brandon has yet to get his grubby paws on the newest Apple sensation, the iPad. I mean, it's been released for 4 days already...I can't believe his restraint! So, of course, we must proceed to the nearest Apple Store...do not pass go, do not collect $200. The voices in my head are screaming, Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid, and I'm trying my best to contain my contempt for any product that starts with a little i.

Now let me explain that I do have an iPhone and I really do love it. BUT...I only have it because Brandon just HAD to have the newest version last year and cast his 1st generation phone to the side. And I actually bought him that 1st phone as a Christmas gift several years ago. I was so proud of myself for saving the $400 to buy it. So I was NOT going to let it just sit and go unused. But I digress...

We get to the Mall at Green Hills and immediately make a beeline for the Apple Store. When we rounded the corner, it was as if angels descended upon Brandon and he went toward the light with choirs singing in his ears. It was not that type of moment for me. The minute he got one in his hands, I knew I had lost him...

so I left to go shopping...there was nothing more I could do at that point. He found me about 30 minutes later and I could see his mental abacus overheating with calculations. It wouldn't surprise me if he had already posted For Sale ads for our cats and dog on Craigs List. It was so obvious that he was desperately trying to find the cash to fund his newest obsession. I'll spare you guys the dialog that ensued between us, but suffice it to say that it was not pretty.

Now if any of you know me very well, you already know how this ended up. So I won't keep everyone guessing. Of course Brandon got his precious iPad. There's very little that I deny this man...I'm such a sucker when it comes to him. However, to fund it, he's pretty much going to become an arms dealer and sell off a portion of his arsenal. I find it a little cannibalistic when I see one hobby get sacrificed for another.

So that brings us back to our hotel room. We've shopped, fought, and stuffed ourselves at the Cheesecake Factory. Now we're lounging in the room with 3 laptops, an iPad and free WiFi. Thanks Hampton Inn.

But I can at least say that I'm a little more relaxed about tomorrow.....for now. I'll let you know how it goes.

More to come...